Look for me in the check out aisle of your local supermarket. I am romance!

For the past few weeks I've been doing a lot of focusing on letting love in. I've been reading Eat, Pray, Love again and just read the chapter last night where Liz is complaining to her new friend, Richard, about her lost love, David. Richard tells her that David came around to help her get through her divorce and bring her some happy times. He explains that when David broke her heart, he opened it up to let the light in and to let new love in.


At first, this idea resonated with me. I accepted that Ed came into my life to get me through a rough time and then broke my heart so I could be open to accepting real love.


But who am I kidding here? I am love. I have always loved and been loved. I have a ton of love in my life and every day I am reminded that I am loved (why just this morning I got five messages of love. Five! Some people don't get that in a week!) So really, it is not "love" that I am looking for. No, what I am looking for is romance (okay fine, with someone who loves me, but I already know I'm pretty easy to love).


Forgetting everything else that went on, Ed and I had a beautiful romance. That's what you all came here to read about. That's what I celebrated and wanted to tell the whole world about. With Ed, I felt okay with being pink and girly. Through him I honoured everything that being a woman meant to me. I was beautiful, soft, sensual, nurturing and nurtured. For the first time, I didn't have to fit in as "one of the guys". I didn't feel like I had to be someone else. I felt amazing and alive. I glowed.


Do I miss Ed? Of course I do. I cared for him with my whole heart. I wanted to share with him my whole world of love because I believed he deserved it. I miss giving to him. It feels so rewarding to have someone you can give to. I miss seeing that love reflected back in his eyes. I miss his company and his easy going nature. I feel like I hardly even got the chance to know him before he left, but now I miss having that chance to know him. He was funny, interesting, caring and strong. He was odd in ways but so am I, and that made me feel less odd. I don't think admitting* that I cared for him or that I miss him shows any kind of weakness or steps back in the "getting over it" process. Hey, I used to sleep with and love a teddy bear too, does admitting to that make me a child? I have learned that denying my feelings really only poisons me with, well, denial. That shit will just mess you right up.


Ed's gone now. That's it, that's all. I know it's too bad and it's not the way I would have liked things to go, but I am coming to terms with it. I have to. On bad days I tell myself he's dead (I don't think I ever had such a bad day that I wished he was dead, although if he ever suffered heartburn for no obvious reason, well, maybe you could trace that back to some of my angry thoughts). Now that he is gone I am working my way back to romance. I am going to do everything I can to invite romance into my life again. I shall dress romantically, walk romantically, gaze at random things romantically, eat romantically, listen to all my favourite romantic music, watch romantic shows and movies. I am now Romance incarnate. If I embody Romance I know it will find me again.

I started on this project already today. I ate strawberries for my snack. I think they are romantic. I also went to a Yoga/Hip Hop/Ballet class at lunch today. Can you get more romantic than spending an hour shaking your boobs and circling your hips? Hotness.

I hope this message hasn't gotten old or lost its meaning, but thank you for loving me. You humble me every single day and you have given me strength on days when I felt like I had none.

*edited: I meant "admitting" but said "denying". I can forgive myself for this heinous mistake now since I am learning to be more forgiving of myself, heh.

Dream date? Ew.

I woke up in the middle of the night from an awful dream. I dreamed that I went on a blind date on my birthday. It was a terrible match. When I woke up I had an upset stomach. Heh, must've been the food. I hardly slept the rest of the night.

Dating: blech. I'm moving to Africa and joining a convent.

The one where Jill figures it all out

OMG. I had just returned from my first ever yoga class and was going through my Google Reader items when up popped this genius little invention--a write-on-glass tumbler. I immediately said to myself, I want one of those. I have this sad, 7-11 travel coffee tumbler that I fill up at home and use to try to get some fraction of my daily requirement of water. When I have people over I use a real glass (because I'm classy that way), but when I'm just keeping my own company I just use the 7-11 cup. But this little number is genius. It's a water glass that I can write to-do lists on! Oh how could you possibly make drinking water more fun? Only perhaps if some how the cup magically turned the water into rainbows and played music could this be even a tiny bit better, but not much. The glass is $16 and shipping to Canada is $18.95. Also, apparently there is only one left. Perhaps for now I will just have to affix my ol' 7-11 cup with a Post-It.

I mentioned yoga. I signed up for the gym at work and went to my first lunch hour class today. While I've been to hot yoga before (oh Lord, have I been), I have never been to a regular yoga class. I also have never been to the gym at work. I was pleased with both introductions.

I liked the breathing in yoga. I really did feel able to focus and center my energies, if only for a few, fleeting moments. I also liked when the instructor reminded us to smile. Even though I felt awkward at times, I was doing something good for myself and I really did feel like smiling. Actually, today, for whatever reason, I feel like I can't stop smiling. Something just feels right in the world. I think something good is going to happen. Or something bad, but at least I'll be able to smile right through it.

On Saturday my dad asked me if he could use Truck to pick up a dryer for my mom. When he came over I was bored and tired of hanging around my house, so I asked if I could come along for the ride. I was kind of grumpy with him earlier (my poor father, putting up with me and my grumblies all the time) so he was probably a bit shocked at my request, but of course he didn't mind.

We had to drive all the way out to Transcona (the far east side of the city). The sun was shining, making it a lovely day for a drive. I was happy to just listen to the radio and get lost in my thoughts.

When we got to the warehouse there was another guy picking stuff up at the dock beside us. He drove a Jeep Cherokee or something. I didn't really pay much attention until I saw Dad talking to him. Then I noticed he was one of those pretty types, as in fashionable, I suppose. He had his Ken-doll perfect hair and designer glasses and was wearing chinos probably from The Gap--no!--Banana Republic. I noticed this because he was not the type of man that my dad would make idle chit chat with. My dad doesn't usually chit chat unless he's in a very very good mood. I actually assumed that the man had some how offended my father and some sparring words were going to be coming shortly. I avoided eye contact and fiddled with the radio.

But Dad opened the door of Truck and informed me that the pretty man was picking up two pieces but did not have room for them both in his pretty SUV. Dad had learned that the pretty man and his pretty family lived in River Heights, which was on the way home for us. Dad had offered to take the pretty man's second piece, a night stand, along with us and drop it off for him. The pretty man had accepted Dad's offer.

On the way home Dad and I joked about not dropping off the nightstand.

Dad told me the man had said to him, "well, it's only one night stand, you'd need the second one to have a set. Ha ha!"

"I need another night stand!" I said to Dad. "I don't care if it doesn't match, it would totally go with my eclectic mix of furniture."

"Yeah! That's right!" Dad said.

With mock cynicism I said, "Yup Dad, that's the way the world goes these days. Just look out for yourself, y'know. You can't win by being a nice guy anymore."

We laughed and joked some more as we pulled up to the pretty man's pretty, yellow house on pretty Oak Street. Dad unloaded the piece, the man thanked him, and we went on our way.

As Dad drove away he said, "Y'know I offered to do it just to be a nice guy, and I know I shouldn't really expect anything out of it, but it really would have been a nice gesture for him to offer me five bucks even, just for the trouble it saved him."

"You're right, Dad," I nodded. And then, wanting to give the guy the benefit of the doubt, I added, "Maybe he was just still in shock that someone offered to do something nice. Just wait though. Karma will pay you back."

When we got back to my mom's and dad's I went inside and visited with my mom while Dad scratched his head wondering how he was going to get that freakin heavy dryer out of the truck and into the basement.

I told mom about the good deed Dad did. Then she told me about how after the neighbour helped Dad move their new couch into the house last week, Dad bought him a case of beer. The neighbour is a young, single guy who drives a truck like mine (okay yes, when he moved in years ago I had a secret crush. I gave him tickets to a hockey game once because I had a slew of them to give away as a part of a Big Arches promotion. He just seemed to think I was nice. Damn that elusive nice/cute combination I struggle with emulating!). Mom said young neighbour guy was surprised at Dad's gesture and graciously said it wasn't necessary. It wasn't necessary, but I like to think that Dad showed the guy what it means to live in a real neighbourhood.

"So I was raking the front yard this afternoon and I found a 20 dollar bill," Mom said. My eyes grew wide.

"Does Dad know?"

"No," she said. "I was raking while he was out."

I slapped the back of the couch feeling like I had just shook hands and posed for a picture with the universe itself. "That's his Karma pay back!"

I know, I know. Sometimes things work out that way, sometimes they don't. There may not be a rhyme or reason to any of it. I just think it's a good idea to celebrate when things do come together nicely. It makes for a nice story, and nice stories make people smile, and smiles make people happier, and happier people buy more cases of beer for neighbours. And such is the circle of life. Why complicate it?

Love U

Ever since I can remember I've been fascinated by love and relationships--romantic and otherwise. I think part of this stems from me being a writer, or maybe I write because I want to explore the concept of relationships, I'm not really sure. I remember being in grade school and writing about relationships involving children and their parents, siblings, and yes, romantic relationships.

I remember my first crush was on a funny, artist-type guy who thought I was pretty cool, but really only had the hots for a pretty, smart, skinny blonde girl. I was 10. My other memorable first crush was for Westley, the hero in A Princess Bride. I have been in love with him since I was about eight, and to this day I am determined I will find someone with that much heart, passion and confidence. Hey, he and Princess Buttercup even knew how to fight.

Over the past few weeks I've heard a lot of advice, and a lot of stories. I mostly love hearing the stories. I love the stories about the wrong ones, the right ones, the ones that broke up and came back together several times, and the ones that got away. I listen carefully when people tell me about their latest fight with their significant other, and how somehow they still manage to face each other the next day. I listen and I soak myself with the information.

I have decided to become a student of love. I really want to know what love is. I want you to show me (thank you, Foreigner). No, seriously. I want to hear your stories, good, bad and ugly. I want to know what your thoughts on love are. Please, drop a comment or send me your story to shoegal245 at gmail dot com. Let me live vicariously through you, as you live vicariously through me.

Love song

She reaches out, takes his hand thinks she has another chance to live happily ever after. She doesn't realize he never says goodbye as he tries, but he lies and she cries she says "why'd a guy like you ever treat a girl this way?" He says "I'm not ready to be tied down now, still trying find myself"

--The Brandon Paris Band, Say Goodbye
I hear a new song playing on the radio as I am parking Truck, and going to pick up Lisa. Wow, my break up is so cliché I can hear it replayed for me on a Top 40 music station.

I am picking Lisa up because she is my date to see Gavin Rossdale in concert. Ed and I were supposed to go together. Ed had bought the tickets back in early March, but I paid him for mine. It was his idea for me to keep them on my fridge. I felt some guilt that he was out the $45, but hey, that’s not a bad fee for dumping someone by email. The Ed I knew and loved would have wanted me to go anyway, I like to believe.

“Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out,” Gavin sings as he breaks into his first song of the night, “Machine Head”. I hear the message and decide to make it my mantra for the evening.

I remember how excited I was about this concert. I remember how much I wanted to be standing beside Ed when Gavin sang his new solo, “Love remains the same”. I don’t get to hear this song until the encore, but as he sings the chorus, a wave of emotions hit me and I have to put my hands to my chest to try to hold them all in.

I never thought that I had anymore to give
Pushing me so far
Here I am without you
Drink to all that we have lost
Mistakes we have made
Everything will change
But love remains the same

One of the things I enjoyed the most about Ed was his love for music. Our tastes didn’t overlap a lot, but I loved that he was introducing me to new bands and styles I never would have found on my own. Even death metal found a special place in my heart.

Near the end of the song, Gavin sings,

“I, oh I, I wish, this could last forever/I, oh I, as if, we could last forever”

I’ve been telling people lately that I am frustrated with myself. I want to be over this by now. I don’t want this in my head anymore. I don’t want people to think that I’m a silly little girl who just can’t move on.

My mom and Lisa, when hearing this, then gently remind me, “you’re human, Jill. It will take some time. Be patient with yourself.”

I know they are right. I was hurt, my world was turned right upside down. I do need to be patient and give myself time to fully heal and let go of the pain. If I just try to bury it deep down, it will carry forward with me into my next romance, and then I could end up being the one who does the serious heartbreaking.

***

I wrote this post on Thursday morning, then had second thoughts about publishing it. Today I reminded myself that these are my words and I should be proud to own them. Last night I was listening to my favourite radio call-in show and heard the song "Dream Come True" by Frozen Ghost (a cliche song they used to play at weddings maybe 20 years ago). Right after that, I heard "Love Remains the Same", and y'know what? It didn't hurt. In fact, I felt full of hope and happiness. I still believe in love and I still believe in romance. I still believe I will have all that, and I still believe that I can wait as long as it takes to find it. Honestly, I think my job on this Earth is to love, and dammit I'm going to keep on with this assignment.

On the move from good to great

It was moving day at work today. All my stuff, all my files were packed up in boxes but I was not scheduled to move until 1:30 in the afternoon, so by 9:30 I was bored. By 11:00, with half of the department already moved up, I was really, really bored. So I emailed some people, including my dad.

It is moving day today so all my stuff is packed up. Michael and I don't move until 1:30 but most of the rest of the department has moved up already. All I have is email and internet. Feel free to send me news or funny stories, or boring stories about your day, or weather reports or something.
Jill

My dad replied:

Yea well everyone in the room meeting with me saw the message come up on the overhead.

That cracked me up.

The rest of the day was not so amusing. We were the last to move and things were behind schedule. It was not unlike waiting around in an airport for hours, nothing to do but stare at walls and make lame jokes about how long things are taking. I think I was finally unpacking in my new space by 2:45. Since my day is done at 3:30 though, it didn't give me much time to really figure out how I wanted to set things up. But, I do love the new place. I took pictures of course. It does make me a little sad to know that I only have 11 months left here before I must relinquish the space to Amara. I hope to make the most of every moment.

Check it out, Amara. Here's where you'll call home next year:



Before unpacking



La view (you can see the fountain from here!)



It's not home unless my friends are around (whoops, Penguin looks a little tired)



Sortofnotreally set up

A little sunshine between the clouds

We are preparing to move to a new floor at our office. Today I spent some time making boxes and filling them with the things I probably won't need before Friday. I don't know what exactly it was, but carrying the flattened cardboard box over my head, back to my desk, gave me a great sensation of happiness. I think I'm going to start carrying more things over top of my head.

I had three people think of me today, just because. My grandma phoned and my dad phoned, and my friend Judy sent me a "how are you doing?" text message. Things like this remind me that good people are naturally attracted to me and they are always there when I need them.

I had a good long chat with my mom on the phone today too. While talking to her I asked, "hey, did you get chocolate samples in the mail this week?" Sure, we aren't in the same neighbourhood anymore, but if I was getting samples of Lindt chocolate in my modest neighbourhood, surely she would be in posh Charleswood.

"No," she said.

You can call it a marketing promotion, I call three sample pieces of Lindt dark chocolate and a $2.00 coupon in my mailbox a sweet "warm wishes!" gift from the Universe.

Call it karma, gifts from God, whatever, I just honestly do believe that if you put genuine love and good energy out there, it always comes back to you. I refuse to let people turn me into a cynic.

Whatever helps you sleep at night

This afternoon my dad came by to help me take my TV back to BestBuy. The picture went funny a few months back. It would roll as if you were watching a tape and the tracking needed adjusting. Apparently, the extended warranty that everyone chided me for buying, was actually worth it.

Email Dumper (Ed) and I were meaning to take it back but never got around to it. Ed had even brought over a TV of his from his bedroom that he didn't use so that I could use it while mine was in for repair/replacement. He said when he brought it that he didn't want it back, so it sat in the middle of my living room for two weeks until my dad set it up for me today.

It's funny, there were certain things that I had to get rid of immediately after the breakup because they were painful to look at. I can hardly look at the dress I wore for his birthday that he loved so much. The TV didn't bother me though. However, if it were not for the fact that I actually needed the TV, I really had considered smashing it with a baseball bat for some therapy.

Tonight when I came home from Sunday dinner with my parents I decided to put on The O.C. while washing dishes. Have I mentioned on here how much I loved The O.C.? I was totally in love with the Ryan character. He was so full of heart and passion, a fighter and a guy who had been taking care of himself since he was a kid. Ed had some of that in him. I guess I'm a sucker for those types. (Aww, Ryan just told Marissa to leave and made her cry...)

So I loaded the DVD, turned on the TV, and tried to make things work. The DVD was obviously playing, but the video was not displaying on the TV. I pressed the channel button--snow. Shit. I pressed it the other way, shit, still snow. I grabbed the remote and pressed more buttons to no avail.

"YOU STUPID PIECE OF CRAP! I DO EVERYTHING AND YOU STILL DON'T RESPOND!" I actually made myself laugh out loud, realizing that I was perhaps taking some leftover anger out on an electronic device that seemed to be, er, channeling Ed. Then I called my dad.

"I can't make the TV work." I grumbled. I've been pretty grumbly lately, I feel bad about it.

"Do you want me to come over and fix it?" my dad asked.

"Yes," I said softly.

So along came Dad, who set up the TV, again, and showed me the buttons I needed to press to properly communicate my wishes to Ed's old TV.

I remember when my dad was feeling kind of down because Ed was the new man in my life. Now, everything is back to the way things were. I told Rob the other day that it just feels like it was all a very strange dream. In January and February it felt like a dream come true, but I just made it all up, didn't I? I ate something weird and had this dream, and now it's over, except for this old TV sitting in my living room.

Funny, I used to always say that if I ate ice cream before bed it gave me the most vivid and strange dreams.

Tell me the story again about the guy at the urinal...

I went out tonight with Rob for drinks at Joeys. He told me some funny stories from his trip to Vegas last week. I laughed a lot. As I looked around the bar I saw guys everywhere.

Hello world, I am happy to see you.

A space case

I've been reading Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus to help me make sense of things and to help me feel better prepared for my next relationship. I think there is a lot of good stuff in there. One of the things it talks about is how women just need to talk out loud about their problems. Not because they are asking for a solution, but because it just helps them make sense of the problem and eventually work towards a conclusion. I think that's true, for me at least, and it's what I've been doing lately on this blog. I guess right now I'm talking more for myself than for my readers. Sorry, I don't mind if you shut me off for a bit until I've found something new to say.

It says guys on the other hand will go quiet or try to distract themselves with TV, sports, other activities, etc., until they feel they have reached a solution. They will seem withdrawn. Wow, I wish I had that clue before, maybe I wouldn't have panicked. Here are some other little tidbits from the book that really stood out for me (and if you agree or disagree with any of these, I'd be interested in hearing about that!):

It is difficult for a man to listen to a woman when she is unhappy or disappointed because he feels like a failure.

A woman should not be judged for needing reassurance, just as a man should not be judged for needing to withdraw.

The magic words to support a man are, "it's not your fault", I really appreciate you listening and if that sounds as if I am saying it's your fault that's not what I mean. It's not your fault.

Men argue for the right to be free while women argue for the right to be upset. Men want space while women want understanding.

When a woman is unhappy, a man may feel like a failure and may eventually feel like giving up on trying to fulfill her.

If we are not feeling loved, we become the opposite of who we are when we are wonderful and loving.

Direct appreciation of a man's decisions and actions, and forgiveness of his mistakes is the most direct route to his heart.

Yesterday I stated that my ex and I were not compatible and so our relationship was essentially doomed. I'd like to retract that. I was looking at some of my old posts yesterday and I kind of think we were compatible. In fact, with now painful irony I even said at one point, "I love him, he's a perfect fit". No, the only real problem we had was that we didn't know how to fight with each other. We just couldn't communicate and address our problems in a way where we both felt satisfied with the resolution. Well okay, that and the fact that he apparently fell out of love with me and had to leave. But essentially, if you can't talk, and if there is no love there, then yeah, you don't have a relationship any more. I can look at it from every angle and to every depth, but I believe that is the simple truth. I can be a better communicator, arm myself with personal insight and Mars/Venus knowledge, but I can't make a man talk, and I can't make him love me. Case closed.

Commit to Fit

About two weeks ago I contacted a counseling service that is available to me through my benefits at work. I felt I was in desperate need of help and guidance. I was feeling that my obsession with being perfect, and an inability to forgive myself for my flaws or mistakes, was becoming detrimental to my relationship and also affected my performance at work, not to mention my own mental health. My hope was that I could "fix" myself and magically my relationship would "fix" itself. There was no magic performed on the relationship, but the counselling did help me take a step back and look at some things with a more understanding and compassionate eye.

I just replied to my e-counsellor this morning and would like to share with you some of my realizations.

The past month has been quite the ride for me. Honestly, since the break up last week, I've been feeling relieved and closer to my normal self. It's hard to accept that something that seemed so good was probably not the best after all. After the extreme pain subsided, the first emotion I felt was relief. I had been feeling pressured because I did not feel that my partner could accept my flaws and weaknesses and that he saw me as a failure. And if that was the case, the breakdown of the relationship was not my fault. I contacted the counselling service when I was feeling a crisis level of pressure to be perfect because I wanted to learn how to be a stronger person in my relationships, both personal and professional. The truth is, I believe I am a very strong person and very capable of having healthy relationships with people with whom I am truly compatible. I was not compatible with my former boss, and in the end, I wasn't compatible with my ex (it is going to take me some time to fully accept that, but it will come). In fact, looking back I now see how the relationships were similar.

I am at my best and my strongest (able to ask for help, able to forgive myself for mistakes) when I am with the people I am compatible with. I guess I always figured that in order to survive, I need to be compatible with everyone. I need to be flexible and understanding and adjust myself according to the other person. But is that realistic? Sure, I can make it work if needed (so I can go to work for another day, earn money and pay the bills) but eventually I do have to make the choice that is best for me, and put myself where I fit best. This may mean needing to change jobs or change relationships. In my life I've found that it just seems so hard to find any job or any relationship that I really do end up clinging to something even if it's not the right fit, and I will do anything to make it work.

The counselling so far has been very good at helping me refocus on my strengths and rebuilding myself as a person. I would strongly encourage anyone who is struggling with personal issues to ask for help, or at least find some books to help guide you through your problems. The better you know yourself, the better prepared you can be for what life throws at you.

I stand here today a 27-year-old girl who is looking for love--not a temporary infatuation that leaves me with empty promises and a broken heart when the going gets tough. I am also a young, talented and hard-working professional who will be looking for a new job next spring when the person I have temporarily replaced comes back. I certainly hope the search this time around will be a little easier. I appreciate anyone who offers their help to help me with these quests, but please understand that I am committed to finding the right fit this time.

Forget "I love you" how about, "you fit me."

Accommodations in Jill's heart have be cancelled

I have been avoiding blogging about the breakup for various reasons. But today I would like to say something. See, I blog as therapy for myself, but I also blog as a way to reach out to others experiencing similar things. I have a quote on my wall that says something to the effect of, "there is no greater comfort than that from sharing with someone a similar life experience". Not talking about the breakup is a disservice to myself and my readers. So here's the final scoop.

After spending a lot of time reflecting on the dumping email, the end of the relationship, the beginning and middle of the relationship, I carefully examined where things went wrong, including taking a hard look at the mistakes I made. Yes, I went through a period of missing him and wishing he would call and take it all back. I blamed myself for everything. I talked it over to death with anyone who would listen (okay, I was still doing that today too).

On Sunday I finally felt that I had something of value to say to him. I explained to him that I agreed the breakup was the only answer at the time. I stated why I thought things fell apart (a basic misunderstanding between us that festered until it exploded). And then I forgave him and told him I respected him as a person.

I know. I must have been channeling Mother Teresa that day or something.

In his response he acknowledged that he didn't handle things the best way he could have and he called me one of the most forgiving people he had ever met (one of? Seriously, there is someone else more forgiving? I would like to meet this person.). He agreed that he would like to continue talking with me by email.

At the time, this was everything I needed to hear. I was completely satisfied with his response. I really did feel good about it. I even responded myself expressing my appreciation and then talked about my weekend, so as to demonstrate that he could release himself of any guilt because clearly I was doing fine.

He wrote me back this afternoon. He told me about being sick on the weekend and how work was slow today but probably ramping up soon. He said, "I feel a little bit better that I haven't brought too much gloom into your life recently." (Apparently he's fine with taking responsibility for a little bit of gloom. That's sweet of him.)

At that point, I kind of snapped out of it. I was accommodating him again. For the past month I had been accommodating to his schedule and his desires and now I was giving him my attention, my caring and my humour, and ignoring the fact that he chose to kick me out of his life. His dumping me told me I was not important to him anymore. I was a pain in his backside and he'd rather be doing something else. So I wrote this:

I am glad to hear you are doing well. I must be honest though, now that I am certain you know that I am doing fine, and I also have confirmation that you are doing fine, I have all the closure I need. At this point, I don't see the value of keeping in touch. It feels forced, and I am realizing that I actually don't feel that I can trust you. I still stand by my thoughts as to what went wrong, and have forgiven you for doing the breaking up, but I cannot pretend that it did not happen and act as if there are no consequences.

Good bye Tyler

A week ago I never would have sent this email or written this blog post because I would have worried about what people would think of me. They might think that it wasn't something a "nice, sweet girl" would do. I'd worry that he'd read it or that his friend would read it and think bad things of me. Why should I give a fuck (sorry mom) what they think? I should have stopped caring about respecting him the moment he stopped caring about respecting me.

I'm not doing this anymore. If I don't want to do something, I'm not going to do it. If I'd rather be elsewhere, I'm going to be there. If I've been committed to something but am no longer feeling into it, I'm going to get out of it. It's disrespectful to give a false impression to the people you have committed yourself to. It's living a lie, and when you get caught, you can't expect that you still deserve to be trusted. I just got dumped out of a relationship by a guy whose heart wasn't in it anymore but was sticking around because he couldn't muster up the courage to break it off. If I don't start taking responsibility for myself and my life, I am just as bad as he is.

It's been a slice, now get out.

Sunshine

I decided today to look back at where I was last year at this time. This is what I wrote on April 8, 2008:

"Sunshine lover, how I missed you terribly these last few months," she said to the delightfully warm afternoon. Grabbing her sunglasses and a favourite CD she had just rediscovered, the girl got into her Truck and headed out to pick up her beloved dog from the parents' place. She let the windows slide down a bit and turned up the volume on the stereo.

I see you comb your hair and gimme that grin
It's making me spin now, spinnin' within
Before I melt like snow, I say hello -- how do you do
--Roxette, How do you do!

She strongly felt that the lyrics, though mostly nonsensical, were perhaps the most alluring words she had heard since that morning, when someone, of a very charming nature, simply said, "hello."

She let the song play through as she sang and gestured along. Then she played it again.

And again.

And again.

And again, until she arrived at her destination.

Yes, it was, another lovely, lovely day in JillVille.

I think I will revisit that day again today. I'm feelin' good.

In the aftermath of the wreck

I'm not sure what to say here. It's 6:15 am on Good Friday. I've been up for a bit, not sleeping, brain running at full bore, understandably.

Firstly, I want to thank Duane for this post, and all his contacts who responded to his call for support for me. What he did was full of heart and the group of people who came out to support a complete stranger was heartwarming, to say the least.

Secondly, I want to let you all know that I am doing okay. I'm going through a process and it's feeling different every day. The day that the breakup happened I was shocked, upset, and eventually angry, all very legitimate feelings. I needed to feel supported, and, as I always do when faced with a challenge in life, I reached out to my blog world to help me cope. The response was inspiring and reminded me of my faith in the good people in the world.

A friend of mine made a comment that was meant to be supportive, but when read by a friend of T's, was taken as an insult. I wasn't ready to come back to write a new post on this yet, but I felt I had to right away address the comment made by "whatevermariver". What she said was true, there are two (actually, many) sides to every story. I do take responsibility for my part in the relationship, and for my role in the breakdown. Name calling and placing blame on one person or the other is not fair, and I ask that you please show respect for everyone who is mentioned on this blog, or who makes fair comment on this blog.

I wanted to use my blog as a place to help me work through this difficult time, but I realize now that maybe this isn't the best place to do that. Maybe it was never a good idea to put this relationship up for all to see. My intentions were always to do it as a way of celebrating that person in my life and what he was adding to my life, not to air out our personal business. I hope he saw that.

I am very sad right now and need some space. For the past few days I've had people filling my head with their thoughts on the situation. Now I would like to take some time to figure out what exactly I do feel, and then move forward from there. I don't know if I am doing this right but I guess I'll figure it out.

Thanks again, everyone, for being there for me. Please do stick close by.

Let the healing begin

I've been trying to sleep but all I want to do is blog. Today, Wednesday, April 8 will forever be known as the day I got caught on the Google Maps cam and dumped via an email.

Remember that guy who wanted so badly to be my Valentine? Who would drop by my house on his way to work just because he missed me and wanted a hug? The guy who was a true gentleman and always opened the door for me? Yes, that guy dumped me today in a two page email that I opened at work.

After reading it, I calmly walked to Hollene's cube because she was my only friend around at that time. I barely had a voice as I told her what happened and showed her the email. I was calm and feeling in control. And then she told me it was okay to cry, and I did.

Joanna gets in at 8:00 so I went to see her next because she has been there with me through the ups and downs. I asked her to go see Michael, my boss, and tell him I needed some time away from my desk for a bit. She told me he told her I should take all the time I needed, and that he looked very concerned. We found a quiet and sort of secluded area to talk and she gave me the support I desperately needed and wasn't getting from the guy who supposedly loved me.

I went back to my desk and thought I would be okay to finish up something pressing on my desk and then head home. But I still couldn't quiet hold back the tears, so I had to email Michael to tell him my plan. He came by and told me to not worry about the work, to just go home. He even asked if he could call me a cab.

Joanna came downstairs to wait with me outside for my mom to pick me up. As we stood out there, a compact-size car drove by with a funny looking apparatus strapped to the roof. It dawned on me that it was the Google Cam, taking panoramic shots for Google Maps. So one day, if I look for the parking lot of Good-Wooden Leg on Google Maps, I will probably see two figures standing on the steps, and know that those figures were Joanna and me on the day that I was dumped via an email. Honestly, this is the funniest part of the whole day.

I emailed some friends, anyone I could think of. The support that came in was heartwarming.

I won't comment here on what exactly happened except to say that I guess in the end, he felt he couldn't live up to my expectations, and I was struggling with living up to his. It kills me that he didn't think I was worth fighting for, that he just gave up and ran away, but from what I know of him, I can understand where that came from too.

I hurt. I really really hurt. But I know I'm going to be okay and this was for the best.

Funny too, I think back to when we first started going out and how people were telling me I deserved this, and that was a really powerful statement for me. Today, I felt the same comforting feeling as my friends told me, "you don't deserve this." I am so grateful for each and every person who answered my call for help today. Thank you for being there.

Rally for change

Who here knows someone who is doing something to themselves that is slowly killing them? Easy, right? Everyone knows a smoker. Okay, let's pick on them. So everyone knows that smoking is bad for your health. It's not like one of those scary drugs that you can take once and lose your life to, but I think most people can agree that smoking has some pretty bad long-term health effects that, at the very least, lead to a lower quality of life.

Knowing that, and knowing that the second-hand effects are bothersome, some people won't even date a smoker. I know I wouldn't. I don't really enjoy being with someone who smokes and I wouldn't look forward to having to support them through lung cancer or heart disease.

But I do know some very important people in my life who are smokers. And yes, I wish to God they would quit already. I love them to bits and pieces, and I am not about to kick them out of my life because of their bad habit, but it does break my heart a little that they cannot find the strength to toss those cigarettes out the window for good.

Sometimes I want to say, "if you really loved me, you would quit, because it would mean we'd get to enjoy more years together. If spending time with me, not sick, not hacking up a lung, not dying of a cancer you probably wouldn't have gotten had you not been a smoker, if that meant anything to you, you would quit. Right this instant".

I know they love me. This has nothing to do with how they feel about me. I know they don't want to put me through all that stuff either. In fact, if I were to say this, they would probably get defensive and tell me I don't understand how hard it is to quit, and that they are sorry, and that it isn't really that bad. Like, come on, they don't smoke around me, and they don't even really smoke that much. Not nearly as much as some people anyway. Then they would tell me that they will quit someday, it's just really a bad time right now.

Okay, so then I want to say to them, "if you really loved yourself, you would quit. If you truly valued your life, your health, you would quit. Don't do this for me, but please do this for yourself".

I know that most smokers want to quit. They know all the consequences, they know the costs and they know it hurts the people they love. I also know that my asking them to quit will not make them do it, no matter whether I ask them to quit for me or for themselves. People only change when they find their own motivation to do so. They have to look deep inside themselves and want to make a change because it has reached a point where they know they cannot keep doing what they are doing.

Okay, so now here is my plea, for what it is worth. I do not want to change you. I know I can't. I love you and I accept you for all your faults and features. But I am concerned about you and I believe you are concerned about yourself too. I am honestly afraid that you are killing yourself slowly and I think you owe it to yourself to set a realistic goal and make a change. There are so many people who love you and who wish you would set yourself as a priority so you could make this change. I know it's not an easy thing to do, I know it would be hard, but it's gotta be better than what you are doing to yourself right now. I know you wish I would leave you alone already and let you be, let you do what you do and never speak of this again. I wish I could do that too. I wish it didn't bother me and I wish I could ignore it all as easily as you seem to. I wish it was simple, but maybe it's not as hard as you think it is.

I don't know what else to say. I guess I just wanted to let you know how I feel and to show that I do understand, even though you think I don't. I love you, I love you I love you I love you, but the second-hand effects of your habit hurt me, maybe in more ways than you have considered. If I didn't say something to show my concern, I wouldn't be worth keeping in your life. I just hope you don't shut me out of it because I did say something.

Are you hearing me?