After spending a lot of time reflecting on the dumping email, the end of the relationship, the beginning and middle of the relationship, I carefully examined where things went wrong, including taking a hard look at the mistakes I made. Yes, I went through a period of missing him and wishing he would call and take it all back. I blamed myself for everything. I talked it over to death with anyone who would listen (okay, I was still doing that today too).
On Sunday I finally felt that I had something of value to say to him. I explained to him that I agreed the breakup was the only answer at the time. I stated why I thought things fell apart (a basic misunderstanding between us that festered until it exploded). And then I forgave him and told him I respected him as a person.
I know. I must have been channeling Mother Teresa that day or something.
In his response he acknowledged that he didn't handle things the best way he could have and he called me one of the most forgiving people he had ever met (one of? Seriously, there is someone else more forgiving? I would like to meet this person.). He agreed that he would like to continue talking with me by email.
At the time, this was everything I needed to hear. I was completely satisfied with his response. I really did feel good about it. I even responded myself expressing my appreciation and then talked about my weekend, so as to demonstrate that he could release himself of any guilt because clearly I was doing fine.
He wrote me back this afternoon. He told me about being sick on the weekend and how work was slow today but probably ramping up soon. He said, "I feel a little bit better that I haven't brought too much gloom into your life recently." (Apparently he's fine with taking responsibility for a little bit of gloom. That's sweet of him.)
At that point, I kind of snapped out of it. I was accommodating him again. For the past month I had been accommodating to his schedule and his desires and now I was giving him my attention, my caring and my humour, and ignoring the fact that he chose to kick me out of his life. His dumping me told me I was not important to him anymore. I was a pain in his backside and he'd rather be doing something else. So I wrote this:
I am glad to hear you are doing well. I must be honest though, now that I am certain you know that I am doing fine, and I also have confirmation that you are doing fine, I have all the closure I need. At this point, I don't see the value of keeping in touch. It feels forced, and I am realizing that I actually don't feel that I can trust you. I still stand by my thoughts as to what went wrong, and have forgiven you for doing the breaking up, but I cannot pretend that it did not happen and act as if there are no consequences.
Good bye Tyler
A week ago I never would have sent this email or written this blog post because I would have worried about what people would think of me. They might think that it wasn't something a "nice, sweet girl" would do. I'd worry that he'd read it or that his friend would read it and think bad things of me. Why should I give a fuck (sorry mom) what they think? I should have stopped caring about respecting him the moment he stopped caring about respecting me.
I'm not doing this anymore. If I don't want to do something, I'm not going to do it. If I'd rather be elsewhere, I'm going to be there. If I've been committed to something but am no longer feeling into it, I'm going to get out of it. It's disrespectful to give a false impression to the people you have committed yourself to. It's living a lie, and when you get caught, you can't expect that you still deserve to be trusted. I just got dumped out of a relationship by a guy whose heart wasn't in it anymore but was sticking around because he couldn't muster up the courage to break it off. If I don't start taking responsibility for myself and my life, I am just as bad as he is.
It's been a slice, now get out.
5 comments:
Best Post EVER!!!
Kick some ass Jill!
DL
P.S. Pure cowardice by breaking up by e-mail. FWIW.
I commend you for your openness and pure honesty.
Jill = awesome
I like how this post is labelled "Happy", and that you finally swore on this blog!
"I just got dumped out of a relationship by a guy whose heart wasn't in it anymore but was sticking around because he couldn't muster up the courage to break it off"
Assuming this is true, I can identify with the dumper. I've been in that situation a few times. At first, you're not sure, so you give it more time, but then when you are sure, you start distancing yourself. It's mostly a defensive mechanism to reduce the upcoming pain and there's also the hope that it'll hurt the other person less if it seems more mutual that it's not working out, but that's just wishful thinking and it doesn't really help because the other person just wants to work on the relationship and fix what's broken. You know you have to break it off, but you still do care about the other person and respect them and don't want to hurt them or cause them pain, but you just don't see the relationship working out in the long run.
Eventually you do muster up the courage to break it off, but it's not easy. You honestly feel bad for doing it, but in the end it's what is necessary and is best for both people. I've been tempted to do what he did and take the easy way out through email, but I couldn't b/c it was too disrespectful. Breaking up sucks. No one wins.
@Vince--I'm familiar with the pattern, but there is no justification for being a coward. If you're doing it to ease the pain, it only causes more. You're only trying to save yourself. Don't kid yourself. You know that the longer you hang on, the harder it is going to be for the other person. If you really do respect them, let them know you're having doubts. Give them the chance to make the decision too instead of wasting their time. If you can't face someone and have an honest conversation with them, you shouldn't be in a relationship with them. And maybe before you get involved in the next relationship, you should ask yourself how you got into the wrong one last time. Learn from your mistakes. Grow. Then find success.
Jill,
I love that in the last few blogs, you've been writing from the heart. You have been sharing your emotions, which makes for good reading. :) I read your blog all the time and I think you're still a sweet girl. Keep on living and enjoying life.
Relationships are hard. My biggest accomplishment is my relationship with my partner.
“Some of the biggest challenges in relationships come from the fact that most people enter a relationship in order to get something: they're trying to find someone who's going to make them feel good. In reality, the only way a relationship will last is if you see your relationship as a place that you go to give, and not a place that you go to take”.
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