The eHarmony Diaries: bonus final chapter

My horoscope for Monday, April 26, 2010

Some resistance or challenge can come in the moment right before a massive and positive breakthrough happens. You're on the verge of a wonderful new chapter. It requires that you seek to find the opportunity in your frustration.

Two Fridays ago I opened up my email and couldn't believe what I was seeing. I blinked. I doubted what I saw and thought of a more reasonable explanation than what it looked like, because what it looked like was that G, the 36-year-old ER doctor was contacting me again.

I opened up the message on the eH site.

Hey Jill,

When I didn't hear from you after our last meeting, I had to assume that it was so disastrous that you decided to move on. No worries about that, but I hope you don't mind this email.

I ended up renting Art & Copy last night and it was way better than Neil Young's Trunk Show. A very interesting, albeit somewhat self-congratulatory, look into the world of advertising with some amazing facts about modern media and how products are sold today. Have you had a chance to see it yet? I think that you'd like it.

Anyway, I just wanted to say "Thanks" for bringing this documentary to my attention as I would likely not have watched it without your suggestion.

Take care.

G

He was shy?

Okay. So silly me, I had let something good go because I had been playing a princess? Gah! Oh well, it still kind of worked in the end, right? I emailed Amara and Lisa to tell them the latest surprise development. "What are you going to say back?" they both asked. I didn't know yet. I took my time to figure it out and then I sent this:

Good to hear from you! I saw Art & Copy too. I went with a friend a couple of weeks ago on a buy-one-get-one-free Wednesday. I really enjoyed it. I'm glad to hear that it's available for rent because I was so busy being in love with the film and trying to absorb every quote about creativity and the creative mind that I hardly remember any of it. Fail Harder. I remember that part. Where did you find it for rent?

It's rather funny, I had a good time with you, but I too assumed when I didn't hear from you after that you had decided there just wasn't a place in your world for a girl with parking anxiety, treadmill trepidations and a penchant for pickles. Assume is a terrible time of waste, isn't it?

Pickles, parking and funny running. There is so much more where that came from. I've got stories. If you want to hear some, let me know.

Jill

And he wrote:

What's the rule about never assuming? Too funny! I've been sitting by my computer waiting for you to send me more tales of interest, when all I had to do was ask ;)

I just hooked up Apple TV yesterday (links your computer to your TV so you can watch downloaded stuff on a bigger screen) and I was surfing iTunes and found it and a few other documentaries. I watched the trailer and figured that I would really enjoy it, so I ended up purchasing it. I haven't figured out how to burn dvds from iTunes movies, but you are more than welcome to watch it here provided you bring your own pens and notepaper.

We traded a few more notes and eventually set up another date. I was to go to his place on the weekend to watch the film. But then he got called into work and had to cancel, so we made new plans to meet in the park for some frisbee on the Sunday afternoon.

I walked to the park and met up with him on the bike path behind the pavilion. I was surprised to see him there on time. We had just turned around to head off and find a patch of grass to play on when we heard a crash. We turned around. A teen on his bike had taken a nasty fall. G ran over to check him out.

I hung back a bit while G did his thing. A crowd had gathered around. I was reminded of my accident last summer outside of The Bay downtown. I could feel this kid's embarrassment at all the attention. I hung back because there was nothing I could really offer. Some people had Kleenex, baby wipes, a nurse who happened to be in the area was helping G clean up the gashes. I felt like a dork though and wondered if G was wondering why I wasn't doing something helpful.

An ambulance came for the kid. Someone had called one because he couldn't get a hold of his parents. G talked to the paramedics and then stood beside me while they loaded the kid up. The day before our plans got canceled because G had to do a transport to Toronto and now this. I thought to myself, so this is what it is like to date Superman.

It took a bit to shake things off once we left the accident scene. "And here I thought I should maybe bring Band-Aids in case of blisters or something," I joked. He laughed and the tension eased. We found a clear patch of grass to toss the frisbee around for a bit. It was fun.

G suggested we take a walk around and I pointed him in the direction of the Conservatory, one of my favourite places to visit. We took a tour around there. I noticed that sometimes he would stand close to me, lean into me. He didn't try to fill the quiet moments like on the last date. Things seemed much more comfortable. I felt comfortable and I was able to relax and just enjoy the day.

We walked around the park some more and eventually found our way to his truck. He opened the door for me and motioned for me to get in. This was nice.

"Nice pen," I said, noticing a blue gel pen in the console with a comfortable looking grip on it. I have a thing for blue pens. I'm always trying to find the perfect one. I tested the ink on the back of a receipt.

"You can have it," he said.

"Really?"

"Yeah, don't say that I never gave you anything," he grinned.

He pulled into my driveway. I undid my seat belt and he leaned forward to give me a hug goodbye. This time he kissed me on the cheek. He didn't say anything about a next time, but with the way the day went and the fact that he added the extra bit of affection into the goodbye suggested to me that we'd see each other again.

I emailed him later just to say thanks and that I had fun, wanting to be certain this time that I was clearly letting him know that I didn't think the date was a disaster. We traded a couple of emails on Monday and Tuesday and he invited me over for dinner and a showing of A&C on Saturday night.

I was pretty excited. Dinner at his place? That seemed like such a big step. I was nervous too though and having flashbacks to my first eH date with A.

I asked G if I could bring dessert. On our first date he mentioned that he loved apple pie. "That would be great if you brought dessert," he wrote. "I don't do kiwi or coconut." I told him I didn't do mushrooms. It was a deal.

I spent Saturday morning making the pie--fresh crust and apples. It baked perfectly. I showered with the good smelling soap I save for occasions when I want to smell extra good. My hair cooperated with me and I put on white pants and a red top.

I got to G's place at 5:45. He showed me around his house. He's been doing a lot of renos himself, which really impressed me. It's not so common anymore for a guy to be handy like that.

G seemed nervous or anxious or overly caffeinated. He paced a lot, something he even apologized for. Things seemed a bit off again, like our second date was. I could understand why he might feel a bit anxious. I always feel like that when I'm cooking for someone new and have invited them into my personal space. When we sat down to eat though things got better and he seemed to relax.

We watched A&C on his projector screen in the basement while eating pie. I commented once in a while on the parts that really resonated with me. We laughed sometimes. There was no touching. It was definitely not like my date with A.

Once the movie ended we gathered up the dishes and headed back upstairs.

"Let's go sit in here for a bit," he said and motioned to the living room. He sat on one couch, I on the other. I noticed a book on his shelf that I had read too. He started saying something about it and then admitted to losing his train of thought.

"We'll talk about something else then and it'll come back to you," I said. I noticed the Dummies books he had and asked him about them. Then I asked him about his Portuguese dictionary.

"Yeah, that thought still hasn't come back," he said after he finished telling me about an experience in Rio. Then he stretched. "I'm starting to flake," he said. "Better call it a night."

It was nine-thirty. He grabbed my pie off of the kitchen counter and handed it to me.

"You can keep it," I said. Truthfully, that had been part of my tactic. I baked it in a glass dish and figured that would mean he'd have to, at some point, wash the thing and give it back to me.

"No, really, I can't," he said.

I really had to pee but suddenly I had this pie in my hands and I was putting on my shoes. I turned around and saw two doors and couldn't remember which one I had come in and which one would be for the garage. I took a shot and picked the right one. He followed me out and walked down the driveway with me to the truck. I opened the door and put the pie on the passenger side. I turned around and he gave me his standard hug. No kiss on the cheek this time and still no mention of a future meeting. I knew this was weird.

I got home and dialed Lisa (after I went pee).

"I'm home and it's only 10 o'clock," I said.

"Maybe he's just really shy or something."

"No, Lis, you know I hate to make excuses like that for guys. It's classic He's Just Not That Into You. It's just weird though. Like, why would you waste my time like that? That's just mean!"

"Well, sleep on it and see what you want to do in the morning," she advised.

When I woke up I knew exactly what I was going to do.

I sent him this note:

Hey G,

Thanks again for having me over for dinner last night and the second showing of A&C. You've done some great work on your house. I think that's really cool that you can do that stuff. If the doctor thing doesn't work out for you maybe you could try general contracting ;)

I know you're going to be pretty busy with your work schedule for the next while, but let me know if you want to get together again and we'll set something up.

Enjoy your Sunday and take care,

Jill

I was easy and breezy. He seemed to respond well whenever I gave him the green light to ask me out so I did that, but I also put the ball firmly back in his court.

He wrote me back on Sunday night.

Hey Jilly-bean :)


You’re welcome for dinner and the second screening of A&C – it was my pleasure to have you as my guest and that apple pie you made was absolutely delicious!!!. You are also very kind to compliment my renos – flattery will get you everywhere ;)

I feel like I should apologize about the abrupt, unnatural-feeling end to the evening – I felt like I was almost being rude when calling it a night at 9:30 PM. Truth be told, I’ve been feeling a bit overwhelmed by this whole “dating” process and am slowly coming to the realization that I am not emotionally ready to commit to anything more than casual acquaintanceship. Interestingly, I still have much to process before I can move forward on a new romantic endeavor. As such, I am going to continue on my solo path for near future. I hope that you will understand and forgive me.

For the record, I have greatly enjoyed the time we have spent together as you are extremely beautiful, intelligent and interesting. I wish you nothing but the best in your personal, professional and romantic life.

Warmest regards.

G

"...In his profile I got the sense that he wasn't exactly sure what he was looking for and that he was kind of a goof. His pictures, aside from one taken of him at a wedding, were of him making funny faces or doing something goofy. I worried that he was just one of those guys who didn't really take the dating thing seriously, would reel a girl in and then hide behind his humour instead of letting a connection develop. I'd been there, done that, learned the seafood taco joke."
--Feminist is Not a Dirty Word or a Pick Up Line

I'll give him credit for doing the right thing. Giving me an answer was more than most would do. What pisses me off the most is that I knew. I knew right from the very beginning that there was something to be wary of with him. And yeah, I do still feel grateful for our first two dates, but I can't believe I got sucked in for this ending. I am sorry that someone apparently got to him and has made him unsure about relationships, although truly, I don't believe in the "I'm just not ready/it's not you, it's me," line. I think that is something daters choose to make their perceived reality only because they don't want to admit that they got further into something than they should have. It's what you say when you realize you weren't being honest with yourself, that you ignored your heart or your instinct and you went for something anyway because it was shiny and pretty and new. If you can't be honest with yourself, how can you possibly be honest with another person?

I know he was trying to be gentle, but I find it interesting that he added in the end there that he thought I was extremely beautiful, intelligent and interesting. At one time I think I would have needed to hear that kind of validation from a guy. Today though, I don't really question those qualities in me. I want to be recognized for my beautiful heart, and I think that's one thing that G never saw, and perhaps was never interested in anyway.

I wrote him back. I don't know if he will ever read it and I certainly don't expect anything in return, but I felt that I had to say something, just for myself.

Hey G,

Thanks for the email. It did confirm what I had suspected. While I'm sorry to hear it, you have to do what's right for you.

While I had been disappointed when I didn't hear from you after the second date, I looked at the experience with you as something I was grateful for because you reminded me how much I love to laugh and how important it is to me that I find someone who can laugh with me. I almost emailed you just to say that after the date, but I had made a promise to myself when I joined eHarmony that I was going to play by The Rules. I was not going to chase, sit, and wait or get caught up in games. When something seemed done it was done and I'd move along. Contacting you again would have been breaking that promise to myself and it was important to me that I honoured myself above all else.

I'm not one for flattery but I do believe in sincerity. I only hope that what you've said to me here is sincere. If it is true, I really do hope you take that time to do what you need to do to get yourself ready to put yourself out there again. In the end, I kind of feel like I was just an experiment for you. I guess you did have to test the waters again and fortunately/unfortunately, I was the test. I don't take your decision here personally, but can you honestly and sincerely say you've been honest and sincere? This isn't an attacking question, just food for thought.

G, I don't know much about your dating and relationship history and you know none of mine. I'm sorry that something has affected you to the point where you feel you aren't emotionally ready for more than just making new friends. It would suggest that something pretty painful happened in the past that now has you uncertain or looking in the rearview mirror. I've been there too and I know it takes time to figure out.

Finally, I hope that I didn't make you feel pressured in any way, or that you made any assumptions about my expectations. I love romance, but as I think I said to you before, I am a big believer in the importance of two people being good friends first. And hey, dating is supposed to be fun, not scary and stressful.

I wish all the best for you too. Thanks for not leaving me hanging.

Last night it hurt. Today it hurts a little less. It's not so much about him rejecting me, it's the bigger picture of looking at how many times I've been here before. There is a quote I have posted on my wall at work. I found it when I was looking for inspiration for writing about the theme of Strength for a big project I'm working on. It resonates with me now:

"It takes more courage to reveal insecurities than to hide them, more strength to relate to people than to dominate them, more "manhood" to abide by thought-out principles rather than blind reflex. Toughness is in the soul and spirit, not in muscles and an immature mind."
--Football player Alex Karras

The day before I heard from G out of the blue I had Lisa over for dinner. We watched Vampire Diaries and I was drooling over Damon again. I remember thinking to myself that I was glad I wasn't in a relationship at that moment because I'd had such a busy week. Also, it meant that I was free to day dream about whomever I please instead of having to say, "he's no Ian Somerhalder but I love him anyway." I had shared with Lisa an article I found online that said to find your true love you have to put it out there to the Universe. I clasped my hands together, looked up and said with a giggle, "Damon on a motorcycle!" Lisa did the same and said, "Ryan Reynolds the Rocket Scientist!"



Tomorrow I will go back to dreaming of my tall, dark and handsome brooding man with true toughness, a good heart and a hearty laugh. And if he doesn't exist outside of my TV and daydreaming mind, c'est la vie. My life is no less full or fullfilled. But Universe? Please stop sending me shit.



I've closed comments on this post. While I appreciate your words, if there is something you want to say to me on this one, please just email or Facebook message me.

She's a good girl, loves her mama

I tried running outside today. FAIL! My lungs burned, my throat felt like it was taking on blood and my nose dripped like a facet. After a measly 10 minutes I was a done deal. SO MAD. I knew transitioning from the treadmill to the road wouldn't be a cakewalk but I was not expecting this.

I tried something else new today that went much better than the running. I went to a life drawing session with Nigel and his friend Andrea. I don't know what made me try drawing again since I haven't seriously sketched since junior high art class, but I am so pleased with myself!

I met Nigel and Andrea at the Cre8ery Gallery in the Exchange district for a drop in session. I tried to put together an artsy outfit but couldn't quite get one together so I just went with jeans and an interesting combo of layered t-shirts. I tried to make my hair extra messy to compensate. I would have worn my glasses but I wore them all day at work and they gave me a headache so I had to pop my contacts in.

The gallery supplies you with a seat/easel contraption, some rocking tunes (re: Tom Petty!) and the nude model. The model does mixed poses that she holds for 30 seconds to start and gradually increases the time as the session goes on. You don't get much out of the 30 second poses but they are a good warm up and gave me a chance to get reacquainted with my 2B pencil and sketchbook.

I had two thoughts that stuck with me as I drew: 1) The human body is really beautiful. I love the way the shadows and the light make it interesting. 2) Is there a writing exercise like this? Could I go to a place and be given an object to write about from different perspectives for increasing amounts of time?

I didn't go in with any expectations for my work, which was probably the best way to approach the activity. I just wanted to spend some time with a pencil and see what happened. I usually started off with finding the longest line in the pose and sketching that out, then added the other side. It was refreshing to spend some time creating something on paper without using words.

These were my favourite pages of work:



I gave the model some Amazonian legs here; so generous of me.



This was from the last two poses. I struggled with the angles of her legs and was starting to get frustrated a bit.



These were from the minute and a half poses, I think. Look at that bum! I am so proud of that bum! Doesn't that look real? I should put this one on my fridge.

I hope to go again. Look at me, Little Miss I Go to The Cinematheque and do Drop In Nude Model Drawing. Where's my beret and closet full of black huh?

All the vampires walkin’ through the valley
Move west down ventura boulevard
And all the bad boys are standing in the shadows
All the good girls are home with broken hearts

--Free Fallin' -- Tom Petty

I don't think my heart is in the right place for this right now

I just couldn't help it. Here are some recent questions from eH guys and my responses. Karma is going to have my cupid ass in a sling.

eH dude #1 (under Employment he lists himself as an "Analyst")
Q. If you won the lotto, what is the least expensive thing you would buy? Why?
A. Essentially, what is the one thing that I want right now but am short of being able to attain without a windfall or just some plain old disciplined saving? Well, I kind of think Cottonelle Toilet Paper is overpriced, so maybe if I had the extra funds I'd upgrade from Purex to that.

Q. Sunsets or sunrises, which would you prefer? (Both can be an option, just explain)
A. What about neither? Just have it stay at high noon. Understanding of course that this may result in the return of pistol duels.

Q. If you had three wishes, what would they be?
A. Wish one, world peace. Wish two, some other viable employment for all those people employed by war, except for the evil people. Wish three, infinite wishes, followed by the wish that some other person get bestowed with the curse/responsibility of wishing.

eH dude #2
Q. Are you ready for SPRING??!!?
A. Yes.

Q. Describe an interest you have that you would truly hope your partner could share with you.
A. Other than spring? Because that covers a lot of the important stuff.

Q. What do you think are the three best traits you have to offer a partner?
A. Springs. I have at least three of them.

Hits and Misses

When I saw the description for Art & Copy in the Cinematheque flyer I picked up a few weeks ago just before my date with A 2.0 the first person I thought of was my friend Nigel.

Nigel and I worked together at Good-Wooden Leg on different teams. Before Good-Wooden his career path took him through different radio creative departments. He is a smart dressed guy who loves the TV show Mad Men.

Last night I picked Nigel up and we had a night out that included taking in the film and enjoying some food and beers at the nearby King's Head Pub. Even though at one time I thought that I'd like to see the show with G, Nigel really was the perfect guy to join me.

I loved the show. We both did. I can't even really remember most of the details because I was so in love with it I was trying to memorize every word. Not only was it on a topic near and dear to me, but I could identify with it too. It was about ad campaigns and where the ideas came from, but it was also about creativity and creative people. It was about where the creativity comes from, the fears and the unique intelligence creative people have. Watching it I actually realized why I am always compelled to connect with people, even people who I should really just forget. It's part of me and who I am--I am driven to move, touch and influence people with my words. I believe in the power of good writing and I like seeing it work.

The film also showed a few agencies where the creative writers worked. They know how to nurture creativity, well hey, that's their business, right? I remember when I thought my career would have me working long hours at an agency. I used to dream that one day I'd see my picture or just my name in Marketing magazine. They showed this one place where the people had made a mural out of clear plastic push pins that spelled out Fail Harder. It's an interesting mantra when you think about it.

After the show Nigel and I went back to the pub for another drink. I've been missing my Good-Wooden buddies lately. I miss being around other writers. Even if our creativity was often quashed by an uber-conservative client, we supported one another. We were like family, complete with tiffs,  sibling rivalries and overbearing authority figures. I grew up with a lot of those people. They know me and they were there for me when I needed them last year.

"You'll keep in touch with the people who want to keep in touch," Nigel told me last night. I used to eat lunch with Nigel every day. I know he's right.

We talked about the film a lot and he gave me his thoughts on my eHarmony experience so far.

"I think you dodged a bullet with that one," he told me. It was what I needed to hear. All week I'd been hearing people telling me I should have done this or why don't I do that? And until he said it, I was actually contemplating trying something, using my words, just to see. It's who I am and what I do. Silence is not.

Nigel inspires me. Not only is he a good guy, a good friend, he also has this amazing love story (it could be a movie). So  I had a way better time with Nigel than I probably would have had with someone else, and I'm glad that the way things ended up was what was meant to be.

Me and G: Part VI The eHarmony Experiement Diaries

This is part six of The eHarmony Experiment Diaries. Thanks for following! Read the previous chapters I, II, III, IV, V.

I met up with A 2.0 at the Forks for coffee. We sat by the river and chatted about dogs, negotiating vacation time from an employer and the common-law act. He seemed like a nice, friendly guy with a good sense of fashion, but there wasn't any spark there. He was about nine years older than me and I think we were in different places in our lives. When we departed he said we'd keep in touch. I never heard anything more from him but that was okay.

I met G at a coffee place downtown. I wore new dark, boot cut khakis, a buttery yellow blouse and a dark denim blazer with kitten heels. My parents had just returned from Vegas and I asked my mom to bring me back a good luck trinket. She found me a ladybug charm on a bathtub chain. I'd tucked it into the left front pocket of my pants. It was warm and springy out. As I walked by the cafe I spotted him inside and we waved to each other like we were old friends.

As soon as I sat down we started joking and laughing. We never stopped. I felt like I was on a radio morning show. There was no dead air, ever. And while his photos on his profile didn't really get me excited, in person I found him quite attractive, probably because I genuinely enjoyed him. We talked travel, family, music, movies, dating, food, aid in Africa, everything. It was this great mix of intellectualism and comedy. At ten when the place was closing up I think we were both disappointed to see the night end. He walked me to my truck. We were still laughing as I told him about my parking anxiety problem that means I always end up taking a spot six blocks away from my destination. He gave me a hug goodnight and said we'd talk again soon. The next day I was grinning and he wrote me at ten am to ask if I'd like to meet up again. I finally got the chance at a second date and I actually was excited to take it!

While I was at the Forks on the Sunday killing some time before I met A 2.0 I'd picked up a flyer for the Cinemateque theatre and noticed a few shows I wanted to see. I suggest to G that we see either Trunk Show, a documentary on Neil Young, or Art & Copy, a doc on advertising. G had said he liked docs and I thought that seeing one would mean great talking points for later. He wrote that we should see the Neil Young show since the Art & Copy show didn't open until April 2. He asked if I was available either that Friday or Sunday. Excited for a reunion much?!

We agreed to meet for the 9:15 show on the Friday night. I usually go to the gym for Zumba at five, followed by Yogalates from six to seven. I planned out on Thursday what I was going to wear on Friday and made sure I had something quick to eat for when I got home. I hurried home from the gym and phoned G to arrange our meeting time. Neither of us were sure how early we needed to show up to get tickets and good seats so we agreed to meet at 8:45, which was when the box office opened.

When I arrived, right on time, I was a bit surprised not to see G there. I sat and waited and then noticed a text on my phone.

"Running a bit late, sorry!" he wrote.

"hah, this gives me time to go and get a closer parking spot!" I replied.

"Yay, everybody wins!"

I flipped through the only piece of reading material near the bench I was sitting on, which happened to be the arts magazine for the Winnipeg Gay and Lesbian community. Neat.

Every time a door opened I turned to see if it was him. At nine he wasn't there. At nine-o-five he wasn't there. Just around 9:10 he arrived.

"I'm so sorry I'm late," he said.

"That's okay," I shrugged. As it turned out, the box office wasn't busy at all, so there was no loss.

"I'm really bad for showing up for things on time," he said.

"Really?" I thought back to our first date where he had arrived first and had enough time to get his coffee before I showed up, right on time.

"Yeah, I was watching the Simpsons, an episode I'd seen like six times before, of course, and then I realized I hadn't gone for a run yet today. So I did that and then I kind of forgot how long it takes to get ready and get down here, so I apologize, I'm really sorry."

"It's okay," I said. And really, I was fine with it. Although it was a bit odd because he'd been off all day, works at the hospital in the area and should have an idea as to how long it would take him to make the drive. But I figured it was just one of those quirky things about him that I might have to learn to work around and laugh about. And hey, we were on our second date! I looked great, he smelled nice and we were going to have a good time.

The film was not so good. If you love Neil Young and enjoy seeing him in concert, you will enjoy this documentary. If you like documentaries that get lots of behind the scenes action and make some kind of statement or leave you with something to ponder, you will not like this film. G and I agreed on not really enjoying it.

After the show we decided to grab a drink at a lounge downtown. It was a quiet and cozy place. We ordered hot chocolate with Bailey's and chocolate liqueur and started chatting.

We were laughing again but there were some stalls. I know I was tired because it was late Friday night after a long week. I tried to talk about this project I was working on at work but it didn't come out right. He told me something that I had no idea how to respond to. Blips. These all seemed like small blips. He asked me if I had any interest in politics or world issues. I had to admit that I didn't. I always feel self conscious about my lack of knowledge on these topics. I feel like I should be able to offer some kind of comment on them but I really don't follow them much in the news.

At the end of the night he again walked me to my truck and gave me a hug goodnight. I got in and felt okay. If our first date had been a 10, this one was maybe a seven or eight. It wasn't as great, but didn't seem like a total fail either.

I realized later when I replayed the evening in my head that this time he hadn't said anything about meeting again. I didn't hear anything from him the next day, or the day after that, or the day after that. I knew what that meant. There would be no part three to me and G.

I know the rules. I know what it means when a guy doesn't call after a date. This time he didn't even feed me the "I'll call" line. His silence made it clear he wasn't interested anymore, or not interested enough (He's Just Not That Into You) and I respect that. I've done my share of listening to my gut and writing matches off. This time I was the one who was weighed and found wanting.

Still, I was sad about that one. I threw punches at myself all weekend for not presenting myself better and messing up what was looking like a good thing. But I slowly came to accept that I couldn't blame myself for this one. If it was right it wouldn't have mattered. G and I would have been able to just keep laughing our way through the night and he wouldn't have cared that I can't talk about the Gaza strip. For all I know he realized he didn't like the creative-type or he had met someone else during the week and my "performance" had nothing to do with the ending. But what still stung the most was the realization that I had finally found someone who I could laugh with who also enjoyed intelligent conversation and now, for whatever reason, he was gone. I had gone through all those matches, met three other guys, talked to one, and I didn't share a laugh with any of them like I did with G. The last time I remember laughing with a guy like that was with Ed when we were just getting to know each other. A match in sense of humour is apparently hard to find and now I have to wait for it to come around again.

Disappointed as I am that G and I weren't a match after all, I am truly grateful that I had an experience with him. If anything, G served to remind me that I am a clown at heart, and I need to find someone who I can laugh with. I never considered this before. I guess I just always assumed that the laughs would come. But now I really want that same magic I felt when I was laughing with G. That was something different.

I'm kind of puzzled by the concept of dating. Sometimes it feels a bit like applying for a job or auditioning for a part. I didn't know that I needed to rehearse for a date, that I should try to think of the questions he might ask so that I could maintain my poise and grace while being tested and evaluated. Do I need to bring references too? There are levels to get through and expectations at each of those levels. People don't go through the same process for new friends. Nobody keeps track of the first time you go to a movie together, the first time you get to see their house or if you even get to see it at all. Friendships simply happen, without the formal stuff, when you find yourself gravitating to someone who is nice or fun. Shouldn't love work like that?

One of the short answer questions I've seen a couple of times on eH is "What are your three best traits you have to offer a partner?" My answer? I think love happens when you find someone who gives you what you need, but those needs are different for everyone. I've known my best friend for almost 10 years and she tells me she likes me because I'm different, kind, thoughtful, supportive and I make her laugh. I imagine some version of this list, plus being able to bake some great cookies would be the reason I'm the right match for a guy.

I am at week eight of my eH experiment. I have five left in my subscription. When I started I said I wanted to just have an experience and date as much as I could. Now, I'm not sure. It would be hard for me to accept a date with a guy now who doesn't have some of JM's heart and G's intelligence and humour. I guess since I have been reminded of what right feels like (and wrong) I have some extra patience to wait it out for Mr. Right to come along.

I don't know if love is really waiting for me on eH, or any online site for that matter. But I'm glad I tried it.

Feminist is not a Dirty word or a Pick Up Line: Part V of The eHarmony Experiement Diaries

This is part five of my latest epic jillstory. For context you may want to read the previous posts: I, II, III, IV.
JM actually gave me a very sweet response that made me feel better. He wrote, "Thank you for your feedback and honesty.  I really appreciate it, very much.  Your a great person and good head on your shoulders and really interesting to talk to." We added each other as friends on Facebook and have exchanged a few notes. Last I heard he had found another match. I truly wish him all the best and have nothing but respect and admiration for him. He deserves a really great country-loving girl.

In early March I found myself a little full of pinot grigio and checking my matches online. I hadn't had any requests for communications in a while and had been playing a bit of a princess, not wanting to be the one to initiate conversation with a match. But hey, I was paying for this service so I figured I should do my part to get my money's worth. And besides that, my mission was to have an experience, a blog-worthy one, with romance being the second priority. So I responded to a few messages that I had left hanging while I was focused on A and JM. I also initiated conversation with a bunch of guys in my matches list. One guy had asked me why I signed up for eH. In drunken honesty I replied:

A sense of adventure (why not give it a try?), admiration for the Lee and Anne-Marie commercial (their names even rhyme!) and I had a coupon.

Thriftiness is HOT.

There was a match on my list that had initiated communication with me but I had chosen to ignore. He was short, 5'5, which is my height and maybe not the best physical match for a girl who spends five days  or more out of the week in heels. In his profile I got the sense that he wasn't exactly sure what he was looking for and that he was kind of a goof. His pictures, aside from one taken of him at a wedding, were of him making funny faces or doing something goofy. I worried that he was just one of those guys who didn't really take the dating thing seriously, would reel a girl in and then hide behind his humour instead of letting a connection develop. I'd been there, done that, learned the seafood taco joke. I wasn't interested in goofy at all. But, in occupation he listed Pediatric Emergency Medicine. I asked my sister, who works at the Children's Hospital if she knew a doctor named G. She did. She said he probably wouldn't know her, but she thought he seemed nice. He also mentioned in his profile that he enjoyed motorcycling. My heart revs for motorcycles and height makes no difference when you are riding on the back of one of those. With my mind re-opened I responded to 36 year old G's communication request.

I also was feeling brave enough to "Nudge" Hot K. Nudging someone means that if he hasn't responded to your communication in over seven days you can ask eH to alert him with a gentle reminder. I was waiting on him to send me an email as we were finally at Open Communication stage. In my last communication to him he had asked me what I had learned from past relationship. I wrote:

I've learned the importance of friendship as a base for a strong relationship. I can easily fall in lust or like with a charming, attractive, talented, smart, fun guy, but if we can't laugh at each other's jokes, treat each other with respect, or communicate without fear of saying the wrong thing, then it's not going to be love.

In the short answer section G asked me some tough, specific questions. I took my time considering my responses figuring either he was going to love 'em or hate em. He happened to love 'em, not just because he agreed with me, but he told me that he really appreciated that I took the time to give well thought-out answers.

We traded an email each and then on my second turn I was in a goofy mood and wrote a rather light-hearted note. He caught onto this quickly and we started trading laughs. He even seemed intimidated at one point, saying he didn't know how he was going to match my wit, but that he was going to try.

I really enjoyed corresponding with G and I was so glad that I had decided to take a chance on him. While talking with him though I was juggling a list of guys again. There was another A, this one a 37-year-old architect, D, a 29-year-old Marketing Manager, S, an IT guy who looked like Charlie Sheen (imagine him without the bad persona), and B, a parts manager. It was raining men, hallelujah! By the middle of that week I'd had three invites for a first meeting. I set something up with A 2.0 for Sunday and G for the Monday.

B, the parts guy wanted me to call him that week so I dialed him up on Friday. It didn't go well.

He: What school did you go to?

Me: the U of W and Red River.

He: U of W eh? That sucks.

Me: Blink blink. Excuse me?

He: Well, it's full of feminists.

From there the conversation turned to his dislike of affirmative action and how there are no men on the board of Avon Cosmetics.

He: So, how many guys have you met on the site?

Me: I've gone on two dates.

He: And now I'm going to be number three.

Um. Next!

Between a Rock Climb and a Hard Place: Part IV of The eHarmony Experiement Diaries

This is the latest post in the series called The eHarmony Experiment Diaries. You may want to read the previous posts in order: I II III.

I can't make this stuff up, y'all. Dating for Dummies, yup, I'm serious.

I don't know why I let the date with A get to a second location. That frustrates me. Honestly, there are too many times in my life that I am lucky I didn't end up dead or worse. It's a complicated thing where one part of my head is telling me "uh, girl, get out of this, now" and the other part is saying, "you're fine, just go along with it and it will all be over soon. How bad could it really get? In fact, maybe it will get better!"

There have also been important moments in my life where I have felt uncomfortable with someone and afterward if I said something about it to someone else, the complaint was given a dismissive reply or simply shrugged off. The message I would get from this was that I was overreacting and didn't have a right to feel what I did (and therefore I was clearly crazy, being prudish or demanding too much respect). Oh he was just a little drunk, Jill. Oh he didn't mean anything by that, those were just words, he's a guy. Well, it's not like he grabbed your boob or something. Or, I don't know what happened, I don't want to hear about it, just stop embarrassing us and never speak of this again.

I struggle a lot with where to draw the line and where to just put up with the uncomfortableness until it's over.  I feel truly fortunate that so far I haven't landed myself in a really bad situation.

***

I sent A a note on Sunday morning asking if he could return the movie for me. He wrote back that he would. Later, he emailed me again.

I enjoyed your company on Saturday. So, think you're up for rock climbing?

I replied:

Hi A, I enjoyed your company on Saturday too. I know you're looking for someone who can keep up with you though, and I know myself well; I don't function at the same high gear you do. I must graciously decline your invite to join you on a wall climb. I certainly do hope you find that someone to go with though.

Jill

Thankfully, he returned the movie before I turned him down.

I wrote JM back and we agreed to meet up that Tuesday. I really was enjoying trading emails with him as he had such a good idea as to what he wanted in a relationship, and we seemed to want all the same things. We planned to meet at a gelato place in the Village. When I got there he was waiting for me, leaning against his car. "It's closed," he said. "They're closed for the season."

I felt mucho embarrassed and quickly thought of a Plan B. We headed to Carlos and Murphy's for nachos instead.

JM was a good, gentlemanly date, he even pulled out my chair for me. The conversation we had was good, but some how though he just didn't look like his pictures that'd had me sighing every time I looked at them. I think I had in my head a certain idea as to what my dream Farmboy would sound like, what he would wear, how he would carry himself, and JM was nothing like what I had pictured. It was like I had fallen in love with a character in a book and then saw the movie and was disappointed with how he was represented on screen. As our date went on I could tell that JM was a country boy at heart and he would never be happy in the city. I knew I could never make a life for myself in a rural setting. Even if we went out again and I got past the contrast between the JM from my head and the real JM, our hearts could never be completely happy in the same space. The next day JM emailed me and asked if I'd like to meet again for dinner or a movie. For the second time in only four days I had to find an honest and sensitive way to turn a guy down:

JM,

One of the things that really shined through for me about you yesterday is that your heart definitely beats for the country. I think that's a wonderful part of your character, but I don't think it matches well with my heart, which beats for the city life. I think your uncomfortableness with the big cities is not unlike what I feel about country life. Rural Manitoba is a great place to visit, but it's not a place I could ever see myself calling home. I think you deserve someone who loves the rural life and feels as comfortable in it as much as you do. I know you are looking for your soul mate so I wouldn't feel right about getting in the way of your path to her. For those reasons, I'd have to decline a dinner or movie date.

I felt awful that day. The eH thing was starting to wear me out. I was getting rejected by guys who looked interesting and now I had just turned down two guys who had some kind of interest in me. This was different for me and I found it frustrating. Was I too picky? Asking for too much? And, when I would try to keep my mind open and not get too keyed up about an upcoming date, the let down that followed a bad one, along with the desire to quickly put myself back in the game was emotionally exhausting. Online dating is not for the faint at heart. I thought this was supposed to be fun. When does it get to the fun part?

Soon.

There is Always a Reason: Part III of The eHarmony Experiment Diaries

This is part III of The eHarmony Experiment Diaries. Read parts I and II here.


In my second week on eH I got matched with A, the 28-year-old home builder and mechanical engineer. He was cute looking, industrious, went to Hot Yoga, and even followed the figure skating during the Olympics because as he said, "you can watch hockey anytime". I found myself wondering how he could possibly be single.


A was funny in a way. He wouldn't open his emails to me with any kind of greeting or close them with a sign off--no "Hey Jill," or "Have a good weekend". However, I always changed the subject instead of letting it run on with "re: re: re:" and he started picking up on this and played along. He then began signing off his emails with "Regards, Andrew." It made me laugh. Regards. How formal! But his efforts suggested to me that he was trying and I found that sweet. Not everyone is a natural and I figured maybe email just wasn't his best medium of expression. I liked him because he seemed ambitious, down to Earth and loved the outdoors. I also admire a guy who can build something with his hands.


A asked if I would like to go rock climbing with him. He also suggested doing a winter picnic or going skating. At first the rock climbing idea appealed to me,  but I polled some people for their thoughts on the idea as a first date. OAF made a point that I thought was valid. He said, "it's all about him showing off to you. You just have to show up looking cute."

Everyone else I asked said they'd be afraid of looking bad. I, of course, am not one to sacrifice an adventure for saving my pride, so that was never my concern. But I did wonder just how long I could climb for, having zero experience. Plus, without knowing if the guy is the patient teaching type or the competitive, "you're on your own" type, I wondered if it might be best to put this idea in a back pocket for a potential second or third date. We went with the winter picnic in the park idea instead and agreed to meet on a Saturday afternoon.


In the meantime, this new guy, JM, emailed me. You have the option of skipping the whole guided communication dance and going straight to email, which JM decided to try with me. I hesitated because things were going well with A, but something (probably my gut) told me to just go for it.


I accepted and read his message. There was something likable about him right away. I almost closed him as a match when he was delivered to me because he was younger (26) and he lived outside of Winnipeg in the country (about an hour away I think, I hate commutes. I don't even like driving across the city when the weather's bad so I am cautious about getting involved with a guy outside of the city limits.). He was cute though, a graphic designer who played guitar and listed family, politics, finding a soulmate and snowmobiling in his interests. He was a country boy, I am a city girl, but it would be fun to go snowmobiling and sit by the fire with him and his guitar, if only for a weekend, I thought.


A had that "guy's guy" appeal that works for me, but JM had some definite romance about him. I really didn't know how it was going to play out. It was just nice to feel some optimism about love again.

One of my gut feelings about A was that he wasn't exactly the sensitive type. I didn't get a sense of warmth or kind-heartedness from him, which is something that is important to me. JM had a huge heart and I felt like I could tell him anything. A and I talked on the phone a few days before the date--all business just to make the arrangements for our meeting. After we hung up I still felt that there was something not quite working for me but I wanted to keep an open mind and wait to see how things went when we met. When I got home from the date the first thing I did was grab Mac and emailed OAF the whole recap.

From: Jill
To: OAF
Date: Sun, Feb 28, 2010 at 1:50 AM
Subject: Les boys

hghhjgjm645urbhjn567hgghuhjghy
jgv

That's me banging my head on the keyboard. If this is dating and romance, I want out.

So on Monday A and I set up a date. On Wednesday I got an email from a guy who I had been trading questions with but who disappeared on me for a week. Normally, unforgivable but this guy IS PURE HOTNESS. The beautiful should not get special privileges, I know, but he looks like John Stamos and he plays guitar. In the mean time I was also still trading lengthy emails with JM, the cute farmboy.

Saturday arrives and it is date day with A. He picks me up at two. He drives a red truck, a Ford (I'm Chevy), standard, and he doesn't play the radio or anything. We went to the park for the winter picnic idea. He brought wood, hot dogs and fixings, a thermos of wine and hot chocolate mix. I was in charge of the S'mores. It was nice.

He was cute in person too, which is always nice. After a few hours of sitting at the fire and watching it go down he turned and asked me, "are you getting cold yet?" and grabbed my knee. I was surprised by this a bit. Conversation was going pretty well but I didn't think we were at random acts of grabbing stage. We called it a day around five. As he was driving me home he asked if I had any plans for the evening. Note to self. When you plan an afternoon first date with a guy, always make sure you have plans for the evening, or at least an idea of plans that is plausible (I am a terrible liar). Do not say, "no, just relaxing," because then guy, who you just spent an entire afternoon with in the park will ask where you can get a movie in this area. You will misinterpret this question and think he's asking where the nearest theatre is. He will correct you and say, "oh, no, I mean where you can rent one." And then, because you really really really cannot lie or keep your mouth shut you answer, "there's a Blockbuster up here".

So we went in and browsed the selections. He panned all the ones I picked out. Isn't there any kind of first date rule about letting the girl pick the movie? We ended up with The Informant. He didn't have a card for Blockbuster's so I had to pick up the movie. AND F*CK I JUST REMEMBERED THAT I LEFT IT AT HIS PLACE.

Excuse me.

So then he asked me, "your place or mine" and I was thinking, um, well, I did spend some time this afternoon house cleaning but not quite "house guest" level cleaning. Plus, I figure it's easier for me to leave a place early than it is for me to kick a guy out early. So I told him my TV was on the fritz (which it is) so his place would work better. I also asked him to drop me off at home first so I could take a hot shower to warm up and then told him I'd drive myself over (again, making it much easier to leave when I want to.) Also, I hate smelling like smoked meat after sitting around a campfire. Although I guess really, that's all I am, right? A nice piece of smoked meat.

At his place I stepped inside and hung up my own coat. He told me to have a seat. I looked from the nice spacious couch to the love seat. The love seat offered a better view for the TV so I sat down and tried to make myself into the smallest ball possible. I tucked my knees to my chest and wrapped my arms around them oh so casually. This position gets tough after a while though. My feet started to hurt because they wanted to slip off the leather. I forced myself to endure it though. He tried to rest his arm on my knee but realized it was too high and awkward to keep there. We watched the movie.

After that movie it was still relatively early so he started flipping through the Video On Demand selections. We decided to watch The Invention of Lying. I eventually relaxed my right leg down to the floor but kept the left one up for a guard.

"Do you want to lay down?' he asked. In my own bed? Alone? YES! Oh, here? Um, where? And how, on a teeny tiny love seat?

"No! I'm fine!" I said. After that movie the Finland/Slovakia bronze medal hockey game was on. I know, I know, I had two movie endings to get myself out of there and did not take them. So then he picked up my legs and pulled them over so they rested perpendicularly over his. He rested his right arm on my knees and stroked my feet with his left hand.

"Colourful socks," he said. I could feel his thumb inching higher and higher to the cuff of my left sock and I said a silent prayer of thanks that I decided to shave my legs today, although really, at that point, some stubble may have been my best defense. My skin is rather sensitive, so when he did work his way higher to my bare shin it started to hurt. The game was nearly over. I planned to make my exit.

His room mate came home. He sat down on the expansive couch and watched the rest of the game with us. Once it was over I announced that I was heading home. The room mate too jumped up and headed off to his room. I of course was hoping he'd decide to hang around a bit longer and make the good bye at the door less private. No dice. I grab my jacket off of the hanger, put on my shoes and my gloves. A came over and gave me a hug. Ok, fine. He went for a kiss too, but I kept my head to the side so he hit my cheek. We pulled back and he went in again and I let his lips find mine for a very quick, and just-outside-of-polite kiss. He grinned. Oh great, he thinks this is all good. I suppose I really gave no obvious indication it was bad so I cannot shake my head at anyone other than myself. Fine. I really am mad though that I forgot that movie. It's due back on Monday. Damn it!

I just always find myself taken by surprise when a guy treats me like a thing he wants to take back to his cave. I have a well-endowed brain and I'm a nice girl. Why would a guy think that a smart nice girl would want to be manhandled?  I'm sorry, but on a first date, don't touch me. We've only just met and I'm still trying to figure out if I am comfortable with breathing the same air as you. I know, I know. Big brain, small voice. Learn to speak up and not worry so much about being polite or you have no business being out in today's dating world.

I checked my email when I got home. I had a new message from JM, the lovely farmboy. I've fallen even more smitten for him as he talked about enjoying The Vampire Diaries and how much he likes a good story line. He always says so many right things. He had a suggestion for a first date and he wrote, "Would it be too early to do something like that? Do you want to meet up sometime soon or are you more comfortable just emailing for a bit?"

Just when I was starting to wonder if properly courting a girl was tragically dead, along comes JM, the small town Farmboy who wants to know what I am comfortable with. So now I just have to figure out how I'm going to get that movie back from A and set up plans with JM, who I am destined to love, but break his heart when I tell him that I will not move out to rural Manitoba to be with him. Ever. And what about John Stamos who actually lives in this city? Ohhhh my. I could be busy for the next while. It's about flippin time!

The Princess is now going to bed. Stay tuned for the next chapter.

Jill

OAF wrote me back.

"Absolutely spectacular," he said and then suggested I take some lessons from Jennifer Garner's character in The Invention of Lying for next time. Y'think? Like Oprah says, sometimes God whispers, sometimes He throws a brick's weight in perfectly blunt lines, in a Jennifer Garner film, that you can use to get yourself away from unpleasant situations.


I replied:

Yes, I really should practice bluntness.

I forgot one other fun detail. While I was sitting there in the cave man's clutches I noticed something on the table. It was one of those miniature books that you can buy in the card stores and give to someone as a funny or sometimes overly sentimental gift. The title of the book on Cave Man's coffee table?

Dating for Dummies