My horoscope for Monday, April 26, 2010
Some resistance or challenge can come in the moment right before a massive and positive breakthrough happens. You're on the verge of a wonderful new chapter. It requires that you seek to find the opportunity in your frustration.
Two Fridays ago I opened up my email and couldn't believe what I was seeing. I blinked. I doubted what I saw and thought of a more reasonable explanation than what it looked like, because what it looked like was that G, the 36-year-old ER doctor was contacting me again.
I opened up the message on the eH site.
Hey Jill,
When I didn't hear from you after our last meeting, I had to assume that it was so disastrous that you decided to move on. No worries about that, but I hope you don't mind this email.
I ended up renting Art & Copy last night and it was way better than Neil Young's Trunk Show. A very interesting, albeit somewhat self-congratulatory, look into the world of advertising with some amazing facts about modern media and how products are sold today. Have you had a chance to see it yet? I think that you'd like it.
Anyway, I just wanted to say "Thanks" for bringing this documentary to my attention as I would likely not have watched it without your suggestion.
Take care.
G
He was shy?
Okay. So silly me, I had let something good go because I had been playing a princess? Gah! Oh well, it still kind of worked in the end, right? I emailed Amara and Lisa to tell them the latest surprise development. "What are you going to say back?" they both asked. I didn't know yet. I took my time to figure it out and then I sent this:
Good to hear from you! I saw Art & Copy too. I went with a friend a couple of weeks ago on a buy-one-get-one-free Wednesday. I really enjoyed it. I'm glad to hear that it's available for rent because I was so busy being in love with the film and trying to absorb every quote about creativity and the creative mind that I hardly remember any of it. Fail Harder. I remember that part. Where did you find it for rent?
It's rather funny, I had a good time with you, but I too assumed when I didn't hear from you after that you had decided there just wasn't a place in your world for a girl with parking anxiety, treadmill trepidations and a penchant for pickles. Assume is a terrible time of waste, isn't it?
Pickles, parking and funny running. There is so much more where that came from. I've got stories. If you want to hear some, let me know.
Jill
And he wrote:
What's the rule about never assuming? Too funny! I've been sitting by my computer waiting for you to send me more tales of interest, when all I had to do was ask ;)
I just hooked up Apple TV yesterday (links your computer to your TV so you can watch downloaded stuff on a bigger screen) and I was surfing iTunes and found it and a few other documentaries. I watched the trailer and figured that I would really enjoy it, so I ended up purchasing it. I haven't figured out how to burn dvds from iTunes movies, but you are more than welcome to watch it here provided you bring your own pens and notepaper.
We traded a few more notes and eventually set up another date. I was to go to his place on the weekend to watch the film. But then he got called into work and had to cancel, so we made new plans to meet in the park for some frisbee on the Sunday afternoon.
I walked to the park and met up with him on the bike path behind the pavilion. I was surprised to see him there on time. We had just turned around to head off and find a patch of grass to play on when we heard a crash. We turned around. A teen on his bike had taken a nasty fall. G ran over to check him out.
I hung back a bit while G did his thing. A crowd had gathered around. I was reminded of my accident last summer outside of The Bay downtown. I could feel this kid's embarrassment at all the attention. I hung back because there was nothing I could really offer. Some people had Kleenex, baby wipes, a nurse who happened to be in the area was helping G clean up the gashes. I felt like a dork though and wondered if G was wondering why I wasn't doing something helpful.
An ambulance came for the kid. Someone had called one because he couldn't get a hold of his parents. G talked to the paramedics and then stood beside me while they loaded the kid up. The day before our plans got canceled because G had to do a transport to Toronto and now this. I thought to myself, so this is what it is like to date Superman.
It took a bit to shake things off once we left the accident scene. "And here I thought I should maybe bring Band-Aids in case of blisters or something," I joked. He laughed and the tension eased. We found a clear patch of grass to toss the frisbee around for a bit. It was fun.
G suggested we take a walk around and I pointed him in the direction of the Conservatory, one of my favourite places to visit. We took a tour around there. I noticed that sometimes he would stand close to me, lean into me. He didn't try to fill the quiet moments like on the last date. Things seemed much more comfortable. I felt comfortable and I was able to relax and just enjoy the day.
We walked around the park some more and eventually found our way to his truck. He opened the door for me and motioned for me to get in. This was nice.
"Nice pen," I said, noticing a blue gel pen in the console with a comfortable looking grip on it. I have a thing for blue pens. I'm always trying to find the perfect one. I tested the ink on the back of a receipt.
"You can have it," he said.
"Really?"
"Yeah, don't say that I never gave you anything," he grinned.
He pulled into my driveway. I undid my seat belt and he leaned forward to give me a hug goodbye. This time he kissed me on the cheek. He didn't say anything about a next time, but with the way the day went and the fact that he added the extra bit of affection into the goodbye suggested to me that we'd see each other again.
I emailed him later just to say thanks and that I had fun, wanting to be certain this time that I was clearly letting him know that I didn't think the date was a disaster. We traded a couple of emails on Monday and Tuesday and he invited me over for dinner and a showing of A&C on Saturday night.
I was pretty excited. Dinner at his place? That seemed like such a big step. I was nervous too though and having flashbacks to my first eH date with A.
I asked G if I could bring dessert. On our first date he mentioned that he loved apple pie. "That would be great if you brought dessert," he wrote. "I don't do kiwi or coconut." I told him I didn't do mushrooms. It was a deal.
I spent Saturday morning making the pie--fresh crust and apples. It baked perfectly. I showered with the good smelling soap I save for occasions when I want to smell extra good. My hair cooperated with me and I put on white pants and a red top.
I got to G's place at 5:45. He showed me around his house. He's been doing a lot of renos himself, which really impressed me. It's not so common anymore for a guy to be handy like that.
G seemed nervous or anxious or overly caffeinated. He paced a lot, something he even apologized for. Things seemed a bit off again, like our second date was. I could understand why he might feel a bit anxious. I always feel like that when I'm cooking for someone new and have invited them into my personal space. When we sat down to eat though things got better and he seemed to relax.
We watched A&C on his projector screen in the basement while eating pie. I commented once in a while on the parts that really resonated with me. We laughed sometimes. There was no touching. It was definitely not like my date with A.
Once the movie ended we gathered up the dishes and headed back upstairs.
"Let's go sit in here for a bit," he said and motioned to the living room. He sat on one couch, I on the other. I noticed a book on his shelf that I had read too. He started saying something about it and then admitted to losing his train of thought.
"We'll talk about something else then and it'll come back to you," I said. I noticed the Dummies books he had and asked him about them. Then I asked him about his Portuguese dictionary.
"Yeah, that thought still hasn't come back," he said after he finished telling me about an experience in Rio. Then he stretched. "I'm starting to flake," he said. "Better call it a night."
It was nine-thirty. He grabbed my pie off of the kitchen counter and handed it to me.
"You can keep it," I said. Truthfully, that had been part of my tactic. I baked it in a glass dish and figured that would mean he'd have to, at some point, wash the thing and give it back to me.
"No, really, I can't," he said.
I really had to pee but suddenly I had this pie in my hands and I was putting on my shoes. I turned around and saw two doors and couldn't remember which one I had come in and which one would be for the garage. I took a shot and picked the right one. He followed me out and walked down the driveway with me to the truck. I opened the door and put the pie on the passenger side. I turned around and he gave me his standard hug. No kiss on the cheek this time and still no mention of a future meeting. I knew this was weird.
I got home and dialed Lisa (after I went pee).
"I'm home and it's only 10 o'clock," I said.
"Maybe he's just really shy or something."
"No, Lis, you know I hate to make excuses like that for guys. It's classic He's Just Not That Into You. It's just weird though. Like, why would you waste my time like that? That's just mean!"
"Well, sleep on it and see what you want to do in the morning," she advised.
When I woke up I knew exactly what I was going to do.
I sent him this note:
Hey G,
Thanks again for having me over for dinner last night and the second showing of A&C. You've done some great work on your house. I think that's really cool that you can do that stuff. If the doctor thing doesn't work out for you maybe you could try general contracting ;)
I know you're going to be pretty busy with your work schedule for the next while, but let me know if you want to get together again and we'll set something up.
Enjoy your Sunday and take care,
Jill
I was easy and breezy. He seemed to respond well whenever I gave him the green light to ask me out so I did that, but I also put the ball firmly back in his court.
He wrote me back on Sunday night.
Hey Jilly-bean :)"...In his profile I got the sense that he wasn't exactly sure what he was looking for and that he was kind of a goof. His pictures, aside from one taken of him at a wedding, were of him making funny faces or doing something goofy. I worried that he was just one of those guys who didn't really take the dating thing seriously, would reel a girl in and then hide behind his humour instead of letting a connection develop. I'd been there, done that, learned the seafood taco joke."
You’re welcome for dinner and the second screening of A&C – it was my pleasure to have you as my guest and that apple pie you made was absolutely delicious!!!. You are also very kind to compliment my renos – flattery will get you everywhere ;)
I feel like I should apologize about the abrupt, unnatural-feeling end to the evening – I felt like I was almost being rude when calling it a night at 9:30 PM. Truth be told, I’ve been feeling a bit overwhelmed by this whole “dating” process and am slowly coming to the realization that I am not emotionally ready to commit to anything more than casual acquaintanceship. Interestingly, I still have much to process before I can move forward on a new romantic endeavor. As such, I am going to continue on my solo path for near future. I hope that you will understand and forgive me.
For the record, I have greatly enjoyed the time we have spent together as you are extremely beautiful, intelligent and interesting. I wish you nothing but the best in your personal, professional and romantic life.
Warmest regards.
G
--Feminist is Not a Dirty Word or a Pick Up Line
I'll give him credit for doing the right thing. Giving me an answer was more than most would do. What pisses me off the most is that I knew. I knew right from the very beginning that there was something to be wary of with him. And yeah, I do still feel grateful for our first two dates, but I can't believe I got sucked in for this ending. I am sorry that someone apparently got to him and has made him unsure about relationships, although truly, I don't believe in the "I'm just not ready/it's not you, it's me," line. I think that is something daters choose to make their perceived reality only because they don't want to admit that they got further into something than they should have. It's what you say when you realize you weren't being honest with yourself, that you ignored your heart or your instinct and you went for something anyway because it was shiny and pretty and new. If you can't be honest with yourself, how can you possibly be honest with another person?
I know he was trying to be gentle, but I find it interesting that he added in the end there that he thought I was extremely beautiful, intelligent and interesting. At one time I think I would have needed to hear that kind of validation from a guy. Today though, I don't really question those qualities in me. I want to be recognized for my beautiful heart, and I think that's one thing that G never saw, and perhaps was never interested in anyway.
I wrote him back. I don't know if he will ever read it and I certainly don't expect anything in return, but I felt that I had to say something, just for myself.
Hey G,
Thanks for the email. It did confirm what I had suspected. While I'm sorry to hear it, you have to do what's right for you.
While I had been disappointed when I didn't hear from you after the second date, I looked at the experience with you as something I was grateful for because you reminded me how much I love to laugh and how important it is to me that I find someone who can laugh with me. I almost emailed you just to say that after the date, but I had made a promise to myself when I joined eHarmony that I was going to play by The Rules. I was not going to chase, sit, and wait or get caught up in games. When something seemed done it was done and I'd move along. Contacting you again would have been breaking that promise to myself and it was important to me that I honoured myself above all else.
I'm not one for flattery but I do believe in sincerity. I only hope that what you've said to me here is sincere. If it is true, I really do hope you take that time to do what you need to do to get yourself ready to put yourself out there again. In the end, I kind of feel like I was just an experiment for you. I guess you did have to test the waters again and fortunately/unfortunately, I was the test. I don't take your decision here personally, but can you honestly and sincerely say you've been honest and sincere? This isn't an attacking question, just food for thought.
G, I don't know much about your dating and relationship history and you know none of mine. I'm sorry that something has affected you to the point where you feel you aren't emotionally ready for more than just making new friends. It would suggest that something pretty painful happened in the past that now has you uncertain or looking in the rearview mirror. I've been there too and I know it takes time to figure out.
Finally, I hope that I didn't make you feel pressured in any way, or that you made any assumptions about my expectations. I love romance, but as I think I said to you before, I am a big believer in the importance of two people being good friends first. And hey, dating is supposed to be fun, not scary and stressful.
I wish all the best for you too. Thanks for not leaving me hanging.
Last night it hurt. Today it hurts a little less. It's not so much about him rejecting me, it's the bigger picture of looking at how many times I've been here before. There is a quote I have posted on my wall at work. I found it when I was looking for inspiration for writing about the theme of Strength for a big project I'm working on. It resonates with me now:
"It takes more courage to reveal insecurities than to hide them, more strength to relate to people than to dominate them, more "manhood" to abide by thought-out principles rather than blind reflex. Toughness is in the soul and spirit, not in muscles and an immature mind."
--Football player Alex Karras
The day before I heard from G out of the blue I had Lisa over for dinner. We watched Vampire Diaries and I was drooling over Damon again. I remember thinking to myself that I was glad I wasn't in a relationship at that moment because I'd had such a busy week. Also, it meant that I was free to day dream about whomever I please instead of having to say, "he's no Ian Somerhalder but I love him anyway." I had shared with Lisa an article I found online that said to find your true love you have to put it out there to the Universe. I clasped my hands together, looked up and said with a giggle, "Damon on a motorcycle!" Lisa did the same and said, "Ryan Reynolds the Rocket Scientist!"
Tomorrow I will go back to dreaming of my tall, dark and handsome brooding man with true toughness, a good heart and a hearty laugh. And if he doesn't exist outside of my TV and daydreaming mind, c'est la vie. My life is no less full or fullfilled. But Universe? Please stop sending me shit.
I've closed comments on this post. While I appreciate your words, if there is something you want to say to me on this one, please just email or Facebook message me.
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