Commit to Fit

About two weeks ago I contacted a counseling service that is available to me through my benefits at work. I felt I was in desperate need of help and guidance. I was feeling that my obsession with being perfect, and an inability to forgive myself for my flaws or mistakes, was becoming detrimental to my relationship and also affected my performance at work, not to mention my own mental health. My hope was that I could "fix" myself and magically my relationship would "fix" itself. There was no magic performed on the relationship, but the counselling did help me take a step back and look at some things with a more understanding and compassionate eye.

I just replied to my e-counsellor this morning and would like to share with you some of my realizations.

The past month has been quite the ride for me. Honestly, since the break up last week, I've been feeling relieved and closer to my normal self. It's hard to accept that something that seemed so good was probably not the best after all. After the extreme pain subsided, the first emotion I felt was relief. I had been feeling pressured because I did not feel that my partner could accept my flaws and weaknesses and that he saw me as a failure. And if that was the case, the breakdown of the relationship was not my fault. I contacted the counselling service when I was feeling a crisis level of pressure to be perfect because I wanted to learn how to be a stronger person in my relationships, both personal and professional. The truth is, I believe I am a very strong person and very capable of having healthy relationships with people with whom I am truly compatible. I was not compatible with my former boss, and in the end, I wasn't compatible with my ex (it is going to take me some time to fully accept that, but it will come). In fact, looking back I now see how the relationships were similar.

I am at my best and my strongest (able to ask for help, able to forgive myself for mistakes) when I am with the people I am compatible with. I guess I always figured that in order to survive, I need to be compatible with everyone. I need to be flexible and understanding and adjust myself according to the other person. But is that realistic? Sure, I can make it work if needed (so I can go to work for another day, earn money and pay the bills) but eventually I do have to make the choice that is best for me, and put myself where I fit best. This may mean needing to change jobs or change relationships. In my life I've found that it just seems so hard to find any job or any relationship that I really do end up clinging to something even if it's not the right fit, and I will do anything to make it work.

The counselling so far has been very good at helping me refocus on my strengths and rebuilding myself as a person. I would strongly encourage anyone who is struggling with personal issues to ask for help, or at least find some books to help guide you through your problems. The better you know yourself, the better prepared you can be for what life throws at you.

I stand here today a 27-year-old girl who is looking for love--not a temporary infatuation that leaves me with empty promises and a broken heart when the going gets tough. I am also a young, talented and hard-working professional who will be looking for a new job next spring when the person I have temporarily replaced comes back. I certainly hope the search this time around will be a little easier. I appreciate anyone who offers their help to help me with these quests, but please understand that I am committed to finding the right fit this time.

Forget "I love you" how about, "you fit me."