Love song

She reaches out, takes his hand thinks she has another chance to live happily ever after. She doesn't realize he never says goodbye as he tries, but he lies and she cries she says "why'd a guy like you ever treat a girl this way?" He says "I'm not ready to be tied down now, still trying find myself"

--The Brandon Paris Band, Say Goodbye
I hear a new song playing on the radio as I am parking Truck, and going to pick up Lisa. Wow, my break up is so cliché I can hear it replayed for me on a Top 40 music station.

I am picking Lisa up because she is my date to see Gavin Rossdale in concert. Ed and I were supposed to go together. Ed had bought the tickets back in early March, but I paid him for mine. It was his idea for me to keep them on my fridge. I felt some guilt that he was out the $45, but hey, that’s not a bad fee for dumping someone by email. The Ed I knew and loved would have wanted me to go anyway, I like to believe.

“Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out,” Gavin sings as he breaks into his first song of the night, “Machine Head”. I hear the message and decide to make it my mantra for the evening.

I remember how excited I was about this concert. I remember how much I wanted to be standing beside Ed when Gavin sang his new solo, “Love remains the same”. I don’t get to hear this song until the encore, but as he sings the chorus, a wave of emotions hit me and I have to put my hands to my chest to try to hold them all in.

I never thought that I had anymore to give
Pushing me so far
Here I am without you
Drink to all that we have lost
Mistakes we have made
Everything will change
But love remains the same

One of the things I enjoyed the most about Ed was his love for music. Our tastes didn’t overlap a lot, but I loved that he was introducing me to new bands and styles I never would have found on my own. Even death metal found a special place in my heart.

Near the end of the song, Gavin sings,

“I, oh I, I wish, this could last forever/I, oh I, as if, we could last forever”

I’ve been telling people lately that I am frustrated with myself. I want to be over this by now. I don’t want this in my head anymore. I don’t want people to think that I’m a silly little girl who just can’t move on.

My mom and Lisa, when hearing this, then gently remind me, “you’re human, Jill. It will take some time. Be patient with yourself.”

I know they are right. I was hurt, my world was turned right upside down. I do need to be patient and give myself time to fully heal and let go of the pain. If I just try to bury it deep down, it will carry forward with me into my next romance, and then I could end up being the one who does the serious heartbreaking.

***

I wrote this post on Thursday morning, then had second thoughts about publishing it. Today I reminded myself that these are my words and I should be proud to own them. Last night I was listening to my favourite radio call-in show and heard the song "Dream Come True" by Frozen Ghost (a cliche song they used to play at weddings maybe 20 years ago). Right after that, I heard "Love Remains the Same", and y'know what? It didn't hurt. In fact, I felt full of hope and happiness. I still believe in love and I still believe in romance. I still believe I will have all that, and I still believe that I can wait as long as it takes to find it. Honestly, I think my job on this Earth is to love, and dammit I'm going to keep on with this assignment.