Look for me in the check out aisle of your local supermarket. I am romance!

For the past few weeks I've been doing a lot of focusing on letting love in. I've been reading Eat, Pray, Love again and just read the chapter last night where Liz is complaining to her new friend, Richard, about her lost love, David. Richard tells her that David came around to help her get through her divorce and bring her some happy times. He explains that when David broke her heart, he opened it up to let the light in and to let new love in.


At first, this idea resonated with me. I accepted that Ed came into my life to get me through a rough time and then broke my heart so I could be open to accepting real love.


But who am I kidding here? I am love. I have always loved and been loved. I have a ton of love in my life and every day I am reminded that I am loved (why just this morning I got five messages of love. Five! Some people don't get that in a week!) So really, it is not "love" that I am looking for. No, what I am looking for is romance (okay fine, with someone who loves me, but I already know I'm pretty easy to love).


Forgetting everything else that went on, Ed and I had a beautiful romance. That's what you all came here to read about. That's what I celebrated and wanted to tell the whole world about. With Ed, I felt okay with being pink and girly. Through him I honoured everything that being a woman meant to me. I was beautiful, soft, sensual, nurturing and nurtured. For the first time, I didn't have to fit in as "one of the guys". I didn't feel like I had to be someone else. I felt amazing and alive. I glowed.


Do I miss Ed? Of course I do. I cared for him with my whole heart. I wanted to share with him my whole world of love because I believed he deserved it. I miss giving to him. It feels so rewarding to have someone you can give to. I miss seeing that love reflected back in his eyes. I miss his company and his easy going nature. I feel like I hardly even got the chance to know him before he left, but now I miss having that chance to know him. He was funny, interesting, caring and strong. He was odd in ways but so am I, and that made me feel less odd. I don't think admitting* that I cared for him or that I miss him shows any kind of weakness or steps back in the "getting over it" process. Hey, I used to sleep with and love a teddy bear too, does admitting to that make me a child? I have learned that denying my feelings really only poisons me with, well, denial. That shit will just mess you right up.


Ed's gone now. That's it, that's all. I know it's too bad and it's not the way I would have liked things to go, but I am coming to terms with it. I have to. On bad days I tell myself he's dead (I don't think I ever had such a bad day that I wished he was dead, although if he ever suffered heartburn for no obvious reason, well, maybe you could trace that back to some of my angry thoughts). Now that he is gone I am working my way back to romance. I am going to do everything I can to invite romance into my life again. I shall dress romantically, walk romantically, gaze at random things romantically, eat romantically, listen to all my favourite romantic music, watch romantic shows and movies. I am now Romance incarnate. If I embody Romance I know it will find me again.

I started on this project already today. I ate strawberries for my snack. I think they are romantic. I also went to a Yoga/Hip Hop/Ballet class at lunch today. Can you get more romantic than spending an hour shaking your boobs and circling your hips? Hotness.

I hope this message hasn't gotten old or lost its meaning, but thank you for loving me. You humble me every single day and you have given me strength on days when I felt like I had none.

*edited: I meant "admitting" but said "denying". I can forgive myself for this heinous mistake now since I am learning to be more forgiving of myself, heh.