Who here knows someone who is doing something to themselves that is slowly killing them? Easy, right? Everyone knows a smoker. Okay, let's pick on them. So everyone knows that smoking is bad for your health. It's not like one of those scary drugs that you can take once and lose your life to, but I think most people can agree that smoking has some pretty bad long-term health effects that, at the very least, lead to a lower quality of life.
Knowing that, and knowing that the second-hand effects are bothersome, some people won't even date a smoker. I know I wouldn't. I don't really enjoy being with someone who smokes and I wouldn't look forward to having to support them through lung cancer or heart disease.
But I do know some very important people in my life who are smokers. And yes, I wish to God they would quit already. I love them to bits and pieces, and I am not about to kick them out of my life because of their bad habit, but it does break my heart a little that they cannot find the strength to toss those cigarettes out the window for good.
Sometimes I want to say, "if you really loved me, you would quit, because it would mean we'd get to enjoy more years together. If spending time with me, not sick, not hacking up a lung, not dying of a cancer you probably wouldn't have gotten had you not been a smoker, if that meant anything to you, you would quit. Right this instant".
I know they love me. This has nothing to do with how they feel about me. I know they don't want to put me through all that stuff either. In fact, if I were to say this, they would probably get defensive and tell me I don't understand how hard it is to quit, and that they are sorry, and that it isn't really that bad. Like, come on, they don't smoke around me, and they don't even really smoke that much. Not nearly as much as some people anyway. Then they would tell me that they will quit someday, it's just really a bad time right now.
Okay, so then I want to say to them, "if you really loved yourself, you would quit. If you truly valued your life, your health, you would quit. Don't do this for me, but please do this for yourself".
I know that most smokers want to quit. They know all the consequences, they know the costs and they know it hurts the people they love. I also know that my asking them to quit will not make them do it, no matter whether I ask them to quit for me or for themselves. People only change when they find their own motivation to do so. They have to look deep inside themselves and want to make a change because it has reached a point where they know they cannot keep doing what they are doing.
Okay, so now here is my plea, for what it is worth. I do not want to change you. I know I can't. I love you and I accept you for all your faults and features. But I am concerned about you and I believe you are concerned about yourself too. I am honestly afraid that you are killing yourself slowly and I think you owe it to yourself to set a realistic goal and make a change. There are so many people who love you and who wish you would set yourself as a priority so you could make this change. I know it's not an easy thing to do, I know it would be hard, but it's gotta be better than what you are doing to yourself right now. I know you wish I would leave you alone already and let you be, let you do what you do and never speak of this again. I wish I could do that too. I wish it didn't bother me and I wish I could ignore it all as easily as you seem to. I wish it was simple, but maybe it's not as hard as you think it is.
I don't know what else to say. I guess I just wanted to let you know how I feel and to show that I do understand, even though you think I don't. I love you, I love you I love you I love you, but the second-hand effects of your habit hurt me, maybe in more ways than you have considered. If I didn't say something to show my concern, I wouldn't be worth keeping in your life. I just hope you don't shut me out of it because I did say something.
Are you hearing me?
3 comments:
I understand exactly how you feel, Jill. I dated a smoker, and I religiously asked him to quit, and I got the same response, "I'm not ready to quit right now, It's harder than you think". One day he came home with "The Patch", it's been a year. I'm so proud of him. I realized it's better to just let the person you love to make that decision on their own, and be there for support and encouragement.
Thank you, Anonymous for your kind and supportive words. I feel I should make it clear that the person I am directing this post to is not a smoker, but I believe they are doing damage to themselves in a way that can draw a lot of comparisions to a smoking habit. I love this person very much and I truly hope that one day they too come home and tell me they have decided to use a "Patch". I very much want to be supportive, but right now it's like they are asking me to support their habit, and that is what I am struggling with the most.
Are you talking about my Internet addiction and the second-hand effects that it has on you?
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