Today is where your book begins: 2009 revisited

I am unwritten,
Can't read my mind
I'm undefined
I'm just beginning
The pen's in my hand
Ending unplanned

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words
That you could not find
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

I break tradition
Sometimes my tries
Are outside the lines

We've been conditioned
To not make mistakes
But I can't live that way

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words
That you could not find
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
 The rest is still unwritten

Natasha Bedingfield -- Unwritten

I took the Sea Monkeys home for the holidays. I poured them into a Ziplock bag and got them home only to realize I had forgotten their tank on my desk. I gave them accommodations in Bill's old fishbowl, placing the bowl on top of Bill's tank so everyone could get to know each other. They're like distant cousins I figure, and isn't family what the holidays are all about?

Normally on Christmas Eve we go to the 11 o'clock church service with my Grandma but this year my dad was on call and I wasn't really feeling it so we stayed home. I promised Elmo I'd take him for a walk instead. I like going to church for the singing and the warm glow of the lights and candles. I feel grounded by doing something that is traditional and has a long history in my family. When I thought about it though I realized that my spirit feels most at peace when it is surrounded by nature and in the company of a pet so a quiet walk down the bicycle path and into the forest with Elmo did just fine with bringing me closer to God. I spent the rest of the holidays eating, sleeping and reading. Oh how I needed that break.

My parents, sister and I got together on Sunday night to exchange gifts. Tracy was working again this year on Christmas and she spent Christmas Eve with her boyfriend and his family so things got shifted around a bit. I had a lot of clothes on my wish list this year because most of my wardrobe didn't fit me anymore and I needed to up my sweater count. I had an outfit picked that included a black satin skirt with velvet polka dots and a mustard yellow boyfriend cardigan. The skirt reminded me of one that came with the Aja doll from Jem and the Holograms, making it a truly truly truly outrageous rock star piece (yes, I am taking fashion inspiration from a 1980s doll, isn't that what I am after all?). I actually bought it for myself before Christmas, not on sale, only to return it the same day because it felt so wrong to splurge $65 on something for myself when money was feeling tight this month. I kind of got into a shopping addiction this year. I had fallen in love with fashion again when I looked in the mirror and saw a lighter and brighter me this spring. It just felt so nice to give things to myself when the year seemed to be so full of change and losing things that were important to me. So when I opened a present from my mom and dad and found the skirt I hugged it. My mom knew.

My sister got me the yellow sweater which I again hugged. "Now I can be a rock star," I said.

"But you already are a rock star, " my dad said.

I grinned. "Yes, but now I can look like one."

I've been blogging now for just shy of four years. When I first started it was just a way to keep in touch with Rob and Vince. My audience expanded to include new friends, even other bloggers like Duane and Kasia that I still haven't met. Over the years there have been several times I wanted to quit because I got tired of having to censor myself, tired of trolls who try to hide behind their anonymity and tired of unwanted blogstalkers. I kept coming back because I like to write and it was a good place to practice my writing, which I had mostly been trying to hide. I also got a lot of feedback from people who admired my honesty in my posts. I write a lot to laugh at myself (such an important skill) and to say the things that others are afraid to say or can't find a way to express. The world feels a lot less lonely when you can share an experience with another human being.

I wrote some posts this year that I was pretty proud of. When I explained to Kasia last week the real reason I had erased 2009 she said, "I love your writing and more people should have access to it." I then started to realize just what I had publicly disowned with my "It was Just a Dream" post. 2009 felt like a lot of up and down, but each and every moment was a part of my story and I survived it. I still killed the '09 dragon and rescued the Princess and I did it in heels (and sometimes the heels were the dragon). There may be some of those moments that I don't care to go back and have tea and cake with right now, but erase them completely? I wouldn't trade any of those moments away. I am proud of each and every scar and beauty mark 2009 gave me. I erased 2009 because I didn't want to make Swiss Cheese out of my blog as an act of submission and compliance. That's all I'm saying. I restored it the best I could because my silent protest was only shooting myself in the Betsey Johnson-shoed foot. What couldn't be fully restored without compromising the story I just put under a password protection.

Remember how shiny and proud I was that day in September when something I had written at work got read out loud to a small audience? I just sat there glowing because I could see people around me feeling and reacting to the testimonial story I had put together. I said that day that I felt a little closer to the dream of standing at a podium and bringing my work to life for an audience. I couldn't take a day like that and wipe it from record forever. That was my first unofficial reading. I was shocked to discover on Tuesday night that I had my second one in mid December without even knowing it. It's too bad I couldn't be there for it, but I'm glad I stumbled upon a recording of it.

Do you remember when I met Canadian poet Christian Bök at the Winnipeg International Writers Festival this year? Do you remember how he picked up that post and linked to it on his Twitter page and I suddenly saw my blog inundated with hits from what I affectionately called the Bökies? (I finally looked up the umlaut code. It was bugging me.) Christian's book publisher did a special holiday tribute to him earlier this month entitled A Very Christian Christmas to celebrate the release of the updated version of Eunoia. The event was live streamed and has a permanent home here. It's all very lovely but jump ahead to about the 12 minute mark where the second reader, Suzanne Zelazo, incorporated into her Christian Christmas tribute an excerpt of my blog post that described my 45 second encounter with the charming poet who said I was gracious. As I watched I was a little embarrassed at first, but then the more I thought about it the brighter the awesomeness factor glowed. The audience laughed. They were entertained by my words, which apparently were outstanding enough for the reader to want to share them out loud. Is there a bigger compliment? I wrote that post three months ago and it still has charm and appeal, enough, in fact, to earn a moment at a public literary event. Happy Belated Birthday to me!

I'm rock star! And when I think about it, I'm a rock star on (virtual) tour! Suzanne Zelazo encouraged the audience to go find the blog post through Google. Bökies: another fine reason to not obliterate 2009 from my blog.

Maybe not today, maybe not even a year or two from tomorrow, but one day it will be my own voice bringing to life an authentic jill story.

"Watch out here I come"
--Dead or Alive, You Spin Me Right Round