Summer Vacay 09 Day 1

Here I am, on holidays again. Holy Bejebus you know how much holidays stress me out when I don't have plans for them. It's about the only time I get stressed out about not having a plan. However, here I am, making the best of it. Hopefully each day presents something somewhat blogworthy.

Last week I booked an appointment for a massage on Monday afternoon. I don't remember what exactly it was that made me make the call--the nagging pain in my shoulder making its return or the dressing down I got from a co-worker who called me "unprofessional" in a meeting with her leader and mine. I had been feeling really grumpy about having to take this time off. I realize how ridiculous that sounds, but a week of not having a routine? I just don't know how to do this. Especially when I will just be feeling like I've gotten into the new routine of not going to work and then I will have to go back. Argh. Anyway, the last few days at work were really making me feel ready to get away for a bit, so the grumpiness was minimized.

I stood in the massage therapy room with my therapist for a few minutes to discuss "problem areas". I mentioned my shoulder and that I had sprained my ankle a few weeks ago and that it probably meant I had been compensating for it a lot while it healed. She cocked her head and looked at me.

"Yeah, you definitely look unbalanced," she said, making an unleveling motion with her hands. I kind of laughed and stood up straight figuring it would make a better picture.

"No, your left shoulder is definitely lower than your right," she said. I don't really remember ever looking in the mirror and seeing my shoulders level (but at least I'm level-headed! Hah!). I also have a wonky left eyebrow that sits lower than my right. It probably looks like I am constantly expressing skepticism. I know. I am such a Quasimodo.

Anyway, so I was all set for my hour of undoing and relaxation but my brain would not shut up. Lately, I've really been struggling with keeping the ugly thoughts out of my head, the ones that just tear me up inside. I don't know why but I have just been mercilessly beating myself up lately. So there I was trying to release the tension and stress but all my brain could do was blog and stab me in the back. Some days I want a lobotomy.

One thought that did come to my head was a realization (and why it didn't occur to me before I have no idea, it seems so obvious--whoops, there I go beating myself up again, stop that) that I have gone through a ton of changes this year. There is nary a piece of original Jill left. I changed jobs, brought new people into my life, saw some leave, incorporated new music, food, activities into my tastes and lifestyle, changed sizes and bought new clothes, I'm even changing the decor in my house. For crying out loud, can I just stand still for a moment?

My massage therapist started working on my pressure points in my shoulders and neck and finally I was able to clear my head. I think once her hands stopped moving in all directions and she started putting pressure in very localized places I was able to get some focus too. I pushed all the ugly thoughts towards the pain and suddenly I understood the logic behind cutting one's self. Not that I am, or about to become a cutter, but yeah, physical pain sure feels a lot more manageable than emotional pain. I'm squeamish about seeing my blood. I'd pay someone to perform acupuncture on me before I'd take a razor blade to myself. 'Sides, acupuncture is covered by my benefits plan I think.

At the end of June I was feeling pretty spent. I was also pissed off with the performance of the first half of 2009 and ready for a big turnaround once the calendar flipped to July. Well, we're about halfway through the month and I can't say anything spectacular has come about, but today I decided maybe that's okay. Maybe this is my chance to take a little breather from all this change. Regroup myself and find my path again. I know 2010 will come with a job change of some kind and who knows what else, so maybe for now I should just be thankful for this pause (even though that goes totally against my very impatient nature, but hey, wait a minute and maybe that will change too).

Before my massage I met up with Amara and my little miracle baby friend to go for a walk around the neighbourhood. Miracle baby was all smiles for me. I remember that when Amara told me she was pregnant I was on vacation and waiting to hear about a job I didn't get (because I was destined to get Amara's instead!). I always look upon Amara's little guy with awe and gratitude. Someday I will be the crazy Auntie Jill who sits him on my knee and tells him how special he is and how he saved my life once. Or at the very least we can play Lego together. I miss Lego.

There is a scene in a Sex and the City episode where Carrie asks Big to meet her in the park. She doesn't tell him why and he thinks the whole thing is a little ridiculous but she says to him, "I've done the dating merry-go-round thing, I just want someone to stand still with. So I'm standing here, asking you to stand still with me a moment." Big kind of rolls his eyes, but he does it. It is one of the most romantic and compassionate gestures I've ever seen, but I'm not going to touch on how beautifully romantic that scene is right now. I do feel something like Carrie though. I've done all the drama I want to do for a while. I just want to stand still for a moment. While yes, it would be really super to have someone stand beside me, hold my hand, even just for just a moment, I know too that something new right now would just be another change to work through. I believe I am ready for someone new, but I don't think I'm quite in the right place yet for something new. Not right now when I hardly recognize myself anymore.