A song for Rob

I've had the same song stuck in my head for the last four days. FOUR DAYS! What's up with that? I blame Rob. He put it there, sort of. He quoted some of the lyrics the other day and I recognized them immediately.

As annoying as it is to have a song stuck on repeat in your head, I know it's there because I won't let go of it. I like the song. It reminds me of good times. It reminds me of good people. So while I would really like to shake it out of my mind's ear now, I have a feeling that it's me who isn't letting it go. I've tried listening to other songs; I've tried getting them stuck in my head as a replacement but I just keep coming back to this one.

Why is it so hard for us to say,"I like you, but it's time for me to move on and forget about you. If I happen upon you again I will smile and enjoy you for the moment and then I will carry on. Having you in my head all the time just isn't right." Why is it so hard for us to change our tune?

Step out the front door like a ghost into the fog
Where no one notices the contrast of white on white
And in between the moon and you the angels get a better view
Of the crumbling difference between wrong and right
--Counting Crows, Round Here

No surprise there

And because I didn't want to leave my blog on two serious posts in a row...

The bus I caught on the way home yesterday was one of the newer models with the seats that flip up to make room for wheelchairs. When I got on, the bench along the side was up but no strollers or wheelchairs taking the space. I found a seat okay but by the next stop things were starting to fill up. I watched as people looked at the bench and then walked past it, presumably because they didn't know how to put the seat down and didn't want to look foolish trying to figure it out. One girl tried pulling on it and then, upon spotting a yellow knob at the side, tried pushing it to see if that was the trick. Without any signage or instructions it seemed to be anyone's best guess but the seat would not budge and she gave up.

At Polo Park a few more people got on and made their way towards the back. The last guy to get on decided he would attempt to open the seat. I watched him take about a second to assess the situation, find the yellow knob, pull on it and then voila, the seat unlocked and he pulled it down. He sat and rested his backpack on his lap and I spotted the telling piece of shiny metal on his right hand.

He was an engineer. It was all I could do to not laugh, shake my head and go, "of course".

You never can tell with bees/A conversation I should have more often

I did a double-take when I saw you. It always happens, just when I think I'll never hear from you again, there you are. Every time I'm ready to forget, you're ready to remember.

I was dumbstruck. I didn't know what to say. We're in two totally different worlds and you don't seem too crazy about mine. What could I say that wouldn't sound dumb and trivial? I said I was worried I sounded naive but you quickly assured me I didn't. I suppose if you were looking to talk to someone about your world you wouldn't have interrupted mine.

I'm sorry I didn't say more and at the same time I wish I had said less. I didn't know if I should attempt to be funny or serious, encouraging or in awe, newsy or inquisitive. Even if I had a second chance I don't know what I would do with it. Maybe if I had listened to you instead of worrying about myself I would have figured it out.

I hope I was okay company for a while. Truthfully, your interruption was welcomed and ironically timed. I guess I missed you.

Take care. Keep in touch.

a ghost story

I went to see Zodiac tonight with Amara and Christian. I didn't really know anything about the movie except that Robert Downey Jr. was in it, who I have loved since I first saw him on Ally McBeal.

The movie starts with scenes from The Fourth of July fireworks in San Francisco and I suddenly find myself sitting in front of a ghost. Again.

When I was a kid I was a devoted fan of the show Unsolved Mysteries. The ghost stories were my favourite. I also read a lot about ghosts for a while. I am almost sad to say that I haven't had any experience with the paranormal (I thought I did once, but it was only my imagination after all--boo). I am however, haunted on a regular basis.

Zodiac is based on a true story about the investigators and reporters searching for a serial killer in the San Francisco area. It's a captivating case for the characters who cannot let go of the mystery. I thoroughly enjoyed watching in suspense as they chased leads and theories while trying to put the pieces together and make sense of it all. If you have ever been on a desperate quest for answers you will be able to relate to the situation on some level. I guess if I think of my life as a series of events that eventually lead to my death, then I am a driven investigator trying to figure out how things end.

I believe I am haunted by my own memories and I am not the only one who feels this way. The thing is, the ghosts in our minds haunt us because we won't release them. I personally keep mine in a collection of journals. The only way I can get through my day is by exorcising my demons onto paper. I don't let go of them completely, but at least I can get them out of my head so I can function with some normalcy. All it takes is a song, a name, a place, an image and the ghosts come out of the shadows again. It's not always disturbing though. There are such things as friendly ghosts too.

I suppose the odds are that I am somebody's ghost. Maybe I pop up at the oddest time, maybe I come to mind from time to time when something triggers a memory.

ajillstory is the story of my life. I have this thing about living my life like it's a must read novel. One day, this will all be aghoststory about a person named Jill. Until then, it is up to me to do what I can to make it legendary.

And you know I will ;)

Birthday, Drinks, Guys with hair, Sleepy Jill

Rob picks me up. It's about -7/-14 with the windchill and I am wearing my cropped denim pants and black ballet flats. A little cool. I remember when we were 18/19 going to the bar, standing outside in line with our jackets left in the car because we didn't want to put them in coat-check (hated the smell of cigarettes on our clothes). When you're young you just don't feel the cold I guess.

We head to pick up the married couple. I was in her bridal party, signed the register for her as a wittiness, but don't really talk to her anymore. I guess I was just a body for a baby blue dress. Weird how things change.

Arrive at Dylan O'Connor's on Pembina just before nine. Birthday girl and her entourage were supposed to meet us there around 9:30. Not long after we sat down some guy comes around collecting $10 for the privilege to watch the fight. I don't know anything about fights and I don't really care to become a fan but it was her birthday after all, and she would be arriving soon.

Lisa arrives after nine, which helps me lose my tough skin and relax a little. We try to amuse ourselves by picking winners of the fights based on telling factors such as colour of shorts and level of scariness in appearance. I think we had a 66% rate of accuracy. People cheered and applauded when one guy sat on the other. What a bizarre sport. I wonder to myself how much it hurts when they get punched in the head. I have no concept of this kind of pain.

At 10:40 the last fight has just begun and the birthday girl has called to say she won't be meeting us at Dylan's but has opted for The Tavern across the street instead. I was feeling cold and tired already but went along with the gang.

Tavern is much more happening. Birthday girl greets us all with hugs and smiles and I instantly forgive her for the mediocre night I was having. We line up some shots, the music hits me, and when I look around I see way fewer baseball caps and jeans (my biggest turn off). Good times.

"You should have come to Fargo with me last weekend, Jill," Birthday girl tells me. "You were right about the guys down there." I nod and find the shot on my camera of me and my favourite local. My treasured moment of anonymity. "That's what I'm talking about," Birthday girl says. I promise her next time I'm there.

Lisa and I talk about going to New York, the girls play with my hair. "It's so soft!" Birthday girl gushes. I don't even use conditioner.

A Saturday night that starts off rocky and ends on a smile. We should do this again sometime.