Craptastic

"Crap," my dad said, looking at my toilet.

"What's the matter?" I asked.

"It's going to be a bigger job than I thought. Needs a new part. I'll have to get my tools," he said.

"Mm." I went back to eating my cottage cheese and blueberries.

"Mom and I were supposed to go out this afternoon."

"But you'll fix it today, right? I mean, I don't need it now, but I will by the end of the day."

"We'll see," he said. "You'll still be able to flush, you'll just have to pour water into the bowl." I rolled my eyes and got up to put away my empty dish.

"Crap!" I said looking at the back of my chair that had a small, white, grey and yellow swirled blob of bird crap on it. Ever since Wednesday I've been randomly spotting the stuff around the house--on the window sills, on the floor, on the walls, on the doors, on an empty cup (ewww) my boots, my scarf. Lemme rewind.

On Wednesday I got home from work to find a lovely little shamrock plant on my table with a yellow Post-it Note from my mom attached that read: "We had to let your 'pet' free. It was kinda crapping all over the place. I cleaned that up for you."

The 'pet' she was referring to, apparently, was a little sparrow that some how found its way into my house God knows when. I didn't know anything about it. I had noticed some white stuff on the floor but thought it was from me stepping in paint and tracking it around the house. I was spot testing a colour in my kitchen and had no recollection of spilling it but I have a lot of memory black outs these days so it really didn't seem like a stretch.

When my mom explained this all to me over the phone I gasped because I remembered that a bird in the house was supposed to be some kind of bad omen. I Googled it and confirmed that yes, there is an old wives' tale that says a bird in the house means a death is imminent. My parents went to a funeral that day so I'm hoping that is all taken care of. So far so good.

Later that day, toilet fixed, Judy dropped by to return some mugs I'd left in her car. I was telling her about my kitchen painting project and decided then and there to try out the other colour I'd chosen for the walls. I slapped a few strokes on the wall beside the light switch. Judy ooh'd with delight, I just ew'd. The colour is a greeny yellow and I was brushing it over plain white. I couldn't help but think it looked just like...crap. Avian crap. Hopefully the second coat will improve things, and hopefully I've found all the messes my special visitor left. I can't believe it got my boots! Thank God it wasn't on the Betseys!