Forgiveness part II

The fortune in my fortune cookie the other day told me that all my hard work would soon pay off. I am finding myself wanting to walk up to Fortune, or perhaps knock on his office door and ask him if he could be a little more specific.

"Could you give me a date? A month perhaps? A season?"

"'Fraid not, my dear. This is something you have to work at at your own pace. When the work is done, the payoff will follow."

"Oh, sure. I understand." I nod eagerly. "Well, you know I've been working really really hard. I mean, super hard. Like, I have totally immersed myself in my studies. I've been doing a lot of reading and research on relationships, and some great writing. I think I'm really learning some good stuff here. And I've been really invested lately in my health, I mean, I am exercising regularly again and eating better. Oh! And I've been paying better attention to my um, mental health? I mean, I wasn't crazy or anything, but yeah, I had some things I needed to address, and I think I'm making some strides there. That one has been harder, y'know, because some of that stuff has been with me for years and years, but hey, it's never too late, right?"

"Mmm hmm. That is very good to hear, Miss B@rr0tt. You should be proud of those accomplishments."

"Well, yeah, I suppose. But I need a sign or something. Can you give me a mark? An indication some how of how close I am to payoff? 70 per cent? 85? I don't even know what a passing grade here is." I laugh at my attempt at humour, hoping it might get Fortune to crack a telling smile. but Fortune just keeps reading the papers on his desk, tapping his pen. I throw my hands up in the air.

"I don't even know what the payoff is! Can someone tell me that? What am I doing all this for anyway? What, so I can sit around and feel all proud that I've learned something? So I can look back on my past and see all the stupid mistakes I made? So what? It doesn't fix anything, it just makes the painful truths more obvious. I hate this being human thing. I hate being in this skin. I just want to write. I just want to write and go back and re-write and re-write until I have it right."

"You don't get the option of a redo, Miss B@rr0tt. Once you take a test, you've taken it. The consolation is, if you do not get what you want out of that test, there will always be another test for you when you are ready. The questions will be different but the same concepts will be tested."

I lean forward and slam my hands on his desk. "BUT I'M READY NOW!"

Fortune still doesn't look up. "Have you seen our course on patience, Miss B@rr0tt? I really think you could get something out of it."

I stand back up, lean against the door and stare up at the ceiling. "Oh trust me, I've been taking the remedial patience class for some time now. In fact, I've been doing detention there almost every day ever since I can remember." Fortune does not reply.

I sigh. "I know how this all works. I know, I know. And I always swore I wouldn't live my life with regrets, that I'd just learn my lessons and carry forward, but man, in the last few years, I think there've been some regrets hanging around that I can't let go of. Like suddenly I'm realizing I'm not a kid anymore and every shot I get at something I really have to be careful with because who knows when the next one will come around. When I was a kid, I always got the chance to say I was sorry. Things could always be patched up. People forgave me because I was a kid and I was still learning. The thing is, there are a lot of days when I still feel like a kid, like I have so much to figure out still. But now, things can't be fixed just with sorries. There are things I am so sorry for but the only forgiveness I can get is from myself. That's not entirely satisfying, to be honest."

Fortune finally looks up at me. "You have great insight."

I roll my eyes. "I have insight, heart, forgiveness, determination, love, but where's the payoff huh? Where's the payoff? Where's the chance? Where's the part where I get to use all this stuff? And where's the forgiveness and compassion for me?"

"Perhaps Patience could review these questions with you."

Fortune begins to gather the papers on his desk. His office hours are over for the day and I know I have other things to do besides dwell on all this stuff. I'm worn out. I know I'll be sitting with Patience again later today, going over our statements of optimism and learning how to best make use of my time. We'll look again at how things have always worked out for me in the end. She lets me cry, and sometimes, if I'm really upset, she sends me home to sit with Love for a while until I have the strength again.

There are people in my classes of all ages, but for the first time ever, I feel old. I feel like I should be further ahead by now. I feel like I've watched so many of my friends zip ahead of me without hardly studying at all it seems.

In these times of feeling defeated, I turn to my words. I pull out what ever writing utensil and blank canvas I have on hand and I write the same words over and over. I don't know who they are for, but they are the only words I can think of that give me some release and maybe a bit of hope.

I'm so sorry. Please forgive me. I'm getting better every day.