The girl who's never had a valentine

On Friday night I was out with My Special Man Friend (MSMF). He cooked me dinner. He said lovely things about my hair and told me I looked awesome on more than one occasion. He held my hand and stole kisses in the elevator.

On Saturday night I was out with Lisa (my BFF girl). We were drinking tea at Starbucks after a movie and she was asking me about MSMF. I am trying to be conscious of how much I talk about him because I don't want to be too gushy or get annoying about it. I hate it when girls are like that, and yes, I've been that girl before.

"How nice to be with a guy who can express a feeling," she said. "There's no wondering if he will call or if he really likes you."

"I know," I nodded. "It's refreshing, really."

"He sounds really nice."

"He is really nice. And thoughtful. It's intimidating really because it's like, how do I even begin to reciprocate?"

"But you're thoughtful," Lisa said. "You're a really thoughtful person."

Every time I tell someone that I am intimidated by MSMF's thoughtfulness, I get this same response. The thing is, I know I can be a thoughtful person. I can be really really good at it, actually. But not everyone has a taste for thoughtfulness, which can leave a girl rather discouraged about it all.

I didn't really realize it until recently, but I think I kind of gave up on love at some point. I know, at the ripe old age of 27? Since I was a young teen, I've been adamant about becoming a woman who did not need a man to feel complete. I regarded girls who seemed to need a guy in their lives at all times probably with more disdain than was really necessary. In my defense, I was often the girl who got ditched by her so-called best friend in favour of the boyfriend.

Lisa and I laughed about how I cut short a phone call with MSFM earlier that afternoon so she and I could discuss our plans for that evening.

"You're not going to be one of those girls who forgets about her friends when she gets a boyfriend," she said, half making a statement, half checking in to make sure I was in agreement.

"I hope not! I really don't want to be one of those girls." I actually felt tears welling up as I said this. "MSMF just has to understand," I explained. "Lisa has been around for years. He has only been around for a few weeks. He has to get in line." I was joking a bit, of course, but I said the exact same thing to him today as we sat in a coffee shop, warming up after a walk in the park. And yes, he does understand.

For the last few years I have built and lived my life prepared for being eternally single. I was not opposed to dating or the idea of meeting someone, but I refused to spend my days as if in waiting. I thought this made me a stronger person. In a way it has, but it has also left me completely unprepared for what to do in case I did actually meet someone. I think in the end I actually froze a good part of my heart. It's like that piece of birthday cake that I don't want to go stale--put it in a Ziplock and throw it in the freezer until it's one of those days that call for something sweet.

MSMF thinks I am amazing, and all I can do is stare back at him with my mouth hanging open in complete disbelief. I'm starting to get used to it, but for the first while I just kept wanting to say to him, "really? this (while drawing a circle around myself) works for you? This weird, awkward, stubborn, somewhat whimsical yet shy thing works for you? Because it hasn't worked for anyone else in a really long time." I mean, I love me (I really really do), but finding someone else who can put up with all of this on a day-to-day basis was really starting to seem like a long shot.

I still have a lot of undo-ing to do for me to figure out how this falling in love thing works. I already warned MSMF that he is going to need a lot of patience with me. He has said this is no problem. We shall see what happens.

"I really need someone nice right now," I told Lisa. My mom had also said something similar to me after I told her about my bad day at work and how MSMF's surprise gift really brightened the day--"Maybe your SMF is just what you need right now," I believe were her words.

"I think we always need someone nice," Lisa replied. She is much too smart to fall for the emotionally retarded jerks I seem to have a special attraction to.

"Does this inspire you? Does it make you believe that maybe there are in fact nice guys out there?" I asked.

"Yeah," she smiled.

Because of my life experiences, I choose to live one day at a time. I do my best not to take for granted a person or situation in my life because I know that at any moment life can happen and things can change. I cannot say for certain who or where I will be next week, never mind in the next few years. So at this moment, I am not looking for a man to marry or even share my house with (seriously, that sounds like a really freaky thing right now) But I'd be pretty happy with a guy who can just tell me he'll be there tomorrow. I sit here tonight as a 27-year-old woman (it took all my strength not to say "girl" there. "Woman" still looks funny to me) who has never had a valentine. There are exactly 34 tomorrows left until Valentine's day. It occurs to me that it would be nice if maybe this year I had someone I could give a paper heart to.