Jillian the Villain

I've been at Good Wooden Leg for a year and a half now. My past experiences taught me that building a good relationship with the graphic designers will make life a lot easier. Not to mention that they are usually fun, cool people. I did everything I could to get the designers to accept me, embrace me. I gave them flexible deadlines.I listened to them when they told me my client's idea of design wouldn't hold up in a kindergarten art class. I fed them chocolate. I took their "gentle" teasing and even supplied them with endless fodder for mockery. Nevertheless, while I could sometimes enjoy a brief stay in Artshoppe land, it was always cut short by Tracy sternly directing me out with her pointing finger and laser beam eyes.

And then along came George. George joined my team a few weeks ago. There wasn't an empty cube in the writers' area of the department so they gave him one on a nearly empty row behind the Artshoppe. I like George. He's a cool guy. Funny and self-deprecating. The Artshoppe likes him too. Apparently they like him a lot.

Yesterday Abi was feeling frustrated. Too many people were asking too many things of her. I admit, I had many many projects on her plate. I guess I had one too many.

"I want a pony!" she said to Chris, one of the senior designers.

I laughed to myself upon overhearing this. I remembered the I want a Pony site that the Google guys showed me last summer. I sent it to Abi to make her laugh. And she did.

This morning I opened an e-mail from George addressed to me and Abi.

-----Original Message-----
From: George
Sent: Thursday, May 10, 2007 10:01 AM
To: Jill; Abigail
Subject: Horrible, Horrible Jill


…would never let you have a pony.

I, however, honour my promises.

Abi dropped by my cube soon after.

"Look!" she said and proudly held out a small, purple My Little Pony with a pink mane and star shaped comb. "I named him Pantone." And then she added, "George is my new favourite designer."

And just like that, a little flame inside of me was snuffed out. George had officially moved in and I had been swept aside into the pile with the other demanding, unforgiving, unrelenting writers. The Artshoppe Mascot I would never be.

Another e-mail arrived.

-----Original Message-----
From: George
Sent: Thursday, May 10, 2007 10:01 AM
To: Jill; Abigail
Subject: RE: Horrible, Horrible Jill


See, isn't it nice to have a pony? Jill would not have given you a pony. If Jill ruled the world, not only would no one have ponies, there would be no ponies. None. At all. A world without ponies. Ruled by Jill.
We must do what we can to prevent Jill's plans for pony-less world domination.


Around 11 I walked over to Abi's cube. I needed a break and thought I'd stop by to see how she and Pantone were getting along. But when I got there, Abi was not in.

There sat Pantone in all his purple and pink glory on Abi's desk beside her glowing Mac monitor. On the other side were her headphones, resting in a heap of their own serpentine cord.

I'm not sure what exactly came over me at that moment. Maybe it had to do with the coffee machine that took my last 75 cents that morning but did not dispense coffee. Maybe it was the bug taking up residence in my nose, or maybe it was just that taunting smile on Pantone's face that made me do it. I left Abi's cube hardly able to hide the smile.

Not long after, a new headline appeared on the e-mail

-----Original Message-----
From: George
Sent: Thursday, May 10, 2007 11:16 AM
To: Jill; Abigail
Subject: Horrible, Horrible Jill


A hate crime has been committed on Pantone Pony. Jill's quest for global control takes an ugly turn?

It would seem that someone had hung Pantone Pony from the top of Abi's monitor using a noose fashioned with her headphones. George swore that Pantone's hanging would be avenged. Abi was distraught and couldn't imagine who would do such a thing. But George knew. Another e-mail followed.

-----Original Message-----
From: George
Sent: Thursday, May 10, 2007 11:27 AM
To: Jill; Abigail
Subject: Horrible, Horrible Jill


Well then we must strike back at something that Jill loves just as much. Let's see, what could that be...

Got it.

"Oh my darling, oh my darling, oh my darling CLEMENTINE!"

Clementine is what Abi calls Truck despite my loud protests that his name IS NOT CLEMENTINE!

Despite George firmly pointing the finger of blame in my direction, Abi had no idea who had committed the crime.

-----Original Message-----
From: Abigail
Sent: Thursday, May 10, 2007 11:27 AM
To: Jill
Subject: I'm all sorts of crazy

I just asked Gus if he hung my pony.

Upon reading this I cracked up. Gus naturally would have had no idea what Abi was talking about never mind whether or not to take her question literally or as some kind of euphemism for well, I'll let you use your own imagination. I laughed out loud. Kat asked what all my noise was about and I replied, "I hung Abi's pony." My timing could not have been better, or worse, as the words escaped just as Abi was approaching my cube.

"Jillian! YOU HUNG PANTONE!?!?"

Abi then sent out a mass e-mail apologizing to everyone she accused of hanging her pony and held me up as the culprit. George then announced that I and my evil anti-pony agenda had to be stopped. He declared a Jill Jihad, or, a Jill-had for short.

And that is how I fell from grace at Good Wooden Leg to become Jillian the Villain.