Do you like ice cream.

I attend a thirty-minute reiki session on Wednesday. I have a coupon but come Wednesday, no stress. I stress about not having stress to release. This feels better.

When I meet the therapist she lets me know that she is very intuitive. if I receive a message from Spirit as I work, can I pass it on to you, she asks.

If she is so intuitive, why are we having this conversation. Is this a test to see if I will answer her truthfully. Should I say the opposite to what I want to say. I nod and say yes. She does not seem to suspect anything.

The first ten minutes of the session I have to practice meditative relaxation guided by a man on a CD recording. Am I being charged for this part of the session if I and the faceless, recorded-voice man are doing all the work. If so, and if I fail to relax, who would I demand a refund from.

After the the relaxation the CD changes to birds and a harmonica. Does the therapist know I want to be a harmonica-playing cowgirl constantly followed by bluebirds.

The therapist covers my ears with her hands. The music changes to ocean sounds. Can she hear my heart pouting. I feel her hands pull away. I hear a pen scratching on paper. The music does not change.

It is the end of the session and so the therapist notifies me that time is up. She invites me to have a seat in the chair. She leaves the room and returns with a tall glass of water. I wait for her to invite me to it. She takes a long sip and hands me a clipboard with paper and pen. There is no second glass.

You need to take fish oils. You need to take a vitamin supplement that is long and difficult to pronounce and that I am not going to spell for you but instead direct you to find out more about on the Dr. Oz website. You need to eat more fibre. You need to walk more. You need to drink more water.

Does she know that I ate one half cup of beans at lunch today and that I am a freak about checking food labels for fibre content. Does she know that I go on epic, two-hour walks regularly and run three times per week now. Does she think that I believe Dr. Oz is a wizard, the kind with a big head, a lot of smoke and sparkly mirrors. Does she know what intuition is. Will she bring me a glass of water.

She stops telling me things. Does she feel bad because I am clearly not amazed. She asks a question. Do you like ice cream. I cannot help but laugh and, shock, tear a little. Do I like ice cream. Is my name Jill. Does anyone who loves me not know my particular affection for sweet, colourful, iced-dairy products.

Am I a fool for wanting to believe her when she says, Spirit gave me that message to show you that you can trust me.

She tells me she has a message from my grandmother. I tell her both my grandmothers are alive, perhaps it is a great grandmother. She says the grandmother spirit is showing her the colour pink, which means love. Oh good. Long-departed Great Grandmother still loves me. This was a stress I had not thought of until this very moment, dead people still loving me despite me not sending a Christmas letter.

Her final message to me is that she saw Jesus. Jesus wants me to know that I am one of them and he loves me. Jesus says I need to love and accept myself and not be so hard on myself.

Has she read the bible. Does she know that this is the general message of Jesus and not exactly a personal hello. Does she think that I will not mind this since Jesus is the world's oldest rock star and probably does not have time for personalized greetings. Does she see SUCKER tattooed on my forehead. Does she make enough money at this to live in a nice home in the suburbs and drive a Mazda convertible. Is she hiring.

She wants to know if I will come again. I am sure she does not need her special powers to see that I am being polite when I say I would have to think about it. Does she cry as I drive home because gosh darn it she has lost another one. Does she have bad credit card debt that she needs to pay off and this is how she is doing it. Does she call out to Jesus, or Spirit, or my un-dead grandmothers for some mercy please so she can stop pretending to be a medium and go live on a beach somewhere with her hippie lover who left her two years ago because her chakras were killing his chi. Am I intuitive here. Do you like ice cream.