Stuff that keeps me up at night

I'm all full of pride and satisfaction this week after nailing a tough assignment and getting some awesome kudos at Cardboard Box Factory. But I can't talk about that so you'll just have to use your imagination and know that the end of the story involved me exhaling a deep sigh of relief and then shaking my head in sheer amazement at how I managed to pull this feat off.

I had weird dreams last night.

I stayed up a little later than usual because I wanted to watch the figure skating. When I did finally get to bed though I couldn't fall asleep right away. I'd had a bowl of Oreo ice cream while watching the women's hockey game so I wondered if that was causing my insomnia. I did fall asleep eventually though and woke up in the morning with memories of two surprising visions. I first dreamed that I was getting married. Most of the details are fuzzy but I did see my engagement ring. It was white and yellow gold with a white gold rose on top. I Googled Rose Ring and found this, which is similar to what I saw on my left hand, but not really as spectacular. My ring also had diamonds on the petals.

It was my wedding day so I didn't get to see my groom because that would be bad luck, since I woke up before the ceremony. The focus of the dream seemed more on my parents, who were buzzing around with last minute wedding stuff. It felt like it was a surprise wedding, like I came in the door and suddenly I was pleasantly surprised that I was going to be getting hitched that day. I was truly happy though. This was definitely a good and happy thing. Fast forward to the next dream where I was with child. (I can't even type the P word here, the idea is just so bizarre and alarming to me). I was outside with my mom and my aunt in a rural setting and I put my hand on my stomach and I FELT THE BABY. Super weird. I can't get that image and feeling out of my head. Where was my loving and doting husband though? I don't know. But really, what the hey bob was going on in my head last night? I of course blame the ice cream. It's like a hallucinogenic drug to me. That, and perhaps it's because a lot of the blogs I've been reading lately feature pregnant ladies and I've gotten all caught up in reading their stories about the appointments and the showers and the hormones and the cravings.

Let me assure you that this was not some "wish upon a star" dream that comes from a deep desire and longing to become a Mama. In case you haven't met me before, I am the girl who has to send herself text messages from her laptop to her cell phone that she has misplaced in her linen closet. Yes, that's right, I can't even keep track of my phone, never mind be responsible for a small human. My sister got all the maternal instincts and I got the ability to tell stories and write speeches on topics I know very little about. Maybe one day the biology will kick in and I will find my desire to coo at a baby who has my eyes and his or her father's nose. I mean, it has to happen, right? I want to want to have babies. I feel like I'm odd because I don't have that craving. Am I a defective woman? Why can't I hear that clock ticking that other women my age hear? What if I finally hear it and it's way too late to do anything about it?

I do have a date tomorrow with someone who asked me, "Ideally, how many kids would you like to have?"

I sat there for a day and a half contemplating how to answer this question. Ideally? Ideally? Well ideally I'd have to get married, like, tomorrow so my partner and I could spend a good two years just enjoying life together as a duo. Then, ideally, my mothering instincts would finally arrive while vacationing in Bali around my 30th birthday. Ideally we would conceive before I changed my mind and nine months later the stork would deliver a healthy child (after some of the things I've read about pregnancy and child birth I am really hoping this is actually where babies come from). Ideally the stork would bring us another little one a year or so later so that the first kid wouldn't have to go through life never knowing the joys, challenges and socialization benefits of having a sibling. Ideally, we'd be financially well off enough that I could have the option of staying home with the kids, maybe working a few days a week to keep my mind sane. My mom stayed home with me and my sister so that we wouldn't have to go to daycare and I think I'd have a hard time not doing the same, so ideally I would be at a place in my life where I could say good bye to my full-time working career for a while and not wonder what I could have been. With these ideal conditions met I could have a whole baseball team of kids, really. So I responded to Saturday Afternoon Date's question with, "Ideally, I would want at least two."

Baby steps. I just cannot fathom babies in my future without first feeling confident that there will be a lovely man in my future. Maybe when he shows up and I have that rose on my finger the rest will fall into place and I can get some sleep.