Canoodle in a Canoe with You

It's not warm today but it is sunny here. I went for a walk in the park this morning. I started trying running again last week. I got out twice (or was that three times?) but today I just walked it because I was still feeling a bit run down from the germ infestation in my body.

Yeah so in case you couldn't tell, yesterday I was full of frustration. I get anxious when it feels like my world is standing still and yesterday that is what it felt like. I felt stuck. When I feel stuck, I always want to do something to fix something. Some people suffer from paralyzing anxiety but me, I suffer from the kind that makes me take action. Trust me, this is not a good thing. Literally going stir crazy around 7:00 last night I couldn't take it any more so I headed to the mall to peruse the bookstore. I came home happy I killed some time but not completely cured of my frustration.

I've mentioned here before that my new mantra is "I am exactly where I am supposed to be right now". Most days, this does comfort me and settle my anxiety. It makes me stop before I go out and do something stupid. Some days though, it just doesn't do it for me. Yesterday was one of those days.

I am NOT exactly where I am supposed to be in this moment! I protested. I should NOT be sniffling. I should NOT be sitting here by myself here in my house. This is NOT the moment I should be in.

And today, being a lovely sunny day and all, I'm thinking again that this is not where I really want to be. I want to be out paddling my canoe. With you. (I don't know who you are, but I just like the idea of taking the chance that maybe You are reading this by some awesome coincidence right now and thinking that you wish you were out canoeing with me too.)

So what's with the canoe anyway? Why put all my dreams into one little, self-propelled boat? Let me tell you one of my favourite Jill Stories.

When I was 14 I went camping with my family and another family for a weekend. As we drove up to the park I was listening to Alanis Morissette on my Sony Walkman. I was an angry teenager who wished she was still in the city with a silly boy who, well, we'll just say he wasn't ready yet for a girl like me.

I learned to flirt that weekend. I was in a canoe with one of the girls from the other family. We were paddling behind her cousin, a dark-haired boy of 14, who was trying to swim across the lake to one of the islands nearby. I had never met him before and did not know he was going to be on this trip.

"Your hair's not even wet yet," I teased him and flicked a little water in his direction with my paddle.

He splashed back and then I reminded him, with what had to be my first flirtatious smile, that his clean and dry t-shirt was sitting in the canoe with me so it would be in his best interest to not send any water in my direction. Sparks flew? No, but water droplets certainly did.

Later, I announced I was going for a walk. The Boy asked if he could come along. I took the lead through the bush and over the rocks because I had been down the trails before and he had not.

"Are you sure you know where we're going?" he asked.

"Yes! I've been down this trail a million times. Just wait." To tell the truth, I was getting concerned myself that I had taken a wrong turn, but I certainly was not going to let this guy know that. At 14 I had my characteristic stubbornness and pride firmly in place.

We reached our destination which was a picnic table on the top of a rock face that looked over the lake. We both took a seat on the table. I can't remember what we talked about or if we really talked at all. I just remember him being very focused on slapping at the mosquitoes. I think he swatted a few on me too.

"I don't want them to bite you," he said.

"Are you cold?" he kept asking.

"No, I'm fine thanks," I replied.

"Cuz I could give you my jacket," he said.

I really had no clue. None at all. I mean, no boy had ever offered me his jacket or killed mosquitoes for me before. What was he doing? And why?

The trail back was a bit more rocky. I said something about hoping I wouldn't slip and sprain my ankle.

"I'd carry you back," The Boy said.

We spent a fair bit of time together that weekend, talking mostly. I remember sitting on the beach on another picnic table with him, looking up at the stars. He said something to me then too, and I am not going to repeat it here because it was very much 14-year-old-boy talk and it made me blush, but it was very sweet in nature. I finally started to clue in to his thoughts on me.

On the last day of the weekend we were on the dock. Me, being me, started rocking the dock back and forth until I lost my balance and was about to fall into the ugly, leech infested waters. The Boy grabbed my arm though and saved me. Indeed, he was my very first Prince Charming.

It was raining on the last day. We were all standing around the fire pit. The Boy was in a green rain poncho. We were listening to the news and they announced that Diana, Princess of Whales had died in a tragic car accident. Yes, I remember exactly where I was the day I found out Diana, the beloved princess of hearts died.

While I certainly wanted to believe that my parents were oblivious and dumb, on the way home from the weekend my dad asked me, "did you get The Boy's number?"

"No!" I said. "He says he rollerblades on the bike path all the time. We'll run into each other again for sure." I completely believed that that was going to happen. We'd meet up again, he'd slap mosquitoes for me again and I'd be able to leave in the dust that other silly boy who caused me such heartache.

But I never did see The Boy again. Never. I had left it all up to fate and my dream did not come true. When I realized that, I developed my anxiety. I swore I would never leave anything up to chance again. I would never lose out on something wonderful because I had let an opportunity to take action slip by. From that day forward, I always tried to fix things, I wouldn't let go of things even though they were no longer meant to be. I could not simply sit still and let things work themselves out. I had to take action. I had to go after everything I wanted with every ounce of passion and desire in my being. This isn't always the best way to operate. It may sound admirable, but it can scare people too. And I am learning that sometimes it really is best to just let things be.

So today it is driving me crazy sometimes. I want to react to things, I want to make my move, but I'm forcing myself to sit on my hands and just wait things out. It is true that some of the best things in my life came to me out of nowhere. I realize that I can't begin to call myself so knowledgeable that I truly do know what the best thing is to do to "fix" something or put something in motion. I struggle too though with the idea that I could just be letting life pass me by. Am I a driver or a passenger here? I guess I'm a driver who needs to learn when to let someone else take the wheel for a bit.

To me, the canoe represents so many things: a loss of innocence, a connection with nature, a vehicle to propel me forward in life, and pure, sweet romance. It really is a two-person thing and a symbol of my fairytale dream that may or may not ever come true. I know I came pretty close once.

Incidentally, I can also mention a time a few years ago when I was planning a camping trip to Blue Lake, Ontario with my group of high school friends. In that group of friends was a relatively new addition and he seemed to have taken a liking to me. That affection for me quickly dissipated though when we had a very heated argument on the phone before the trip. What were we fighting about? He wouldn't let me bring a canoe on his car.