Fear is an interesting thing. Like a python it can lay hidden for a while and before you realize, it's got a binding grip on you. The more you fight to overpower it, the tighter it holds you. It can paralyze you and make you frantic.
I know that recently I entered a new chapter in my life that is full of excitement and grand opportunity. It is called Buy a House, Land a Cool Temporary Job and Get Someone to Fall in Love With You. I am thankful everyday for this fortune. But I am also scared out of my mind.
I feel like others expect a lot from me, so I put a tremendous amount of pressure on myself to deliver on those expectations. Of course, I am sure that their expectations are much more realistic than I perceive them. Still, when I feel like I haven't risen to the occasion, it devastates me. Naturally then, I am afraid of failure. I have been this way for as long as I can remember.
So right now I am afraid that my fear will end up destroying these beautiful, wonderful things I've got going on in my life right now. I am afraid to make a move for fear that I will do something wrong. I am afraid that I will do my best and it won't be enough for me to still be deserving (and really, since I am truly humbled by my fate, how am I even deserving of this in the first place?).
I always believe I can do it until the moment I actually get there. It's like my head cheerleader always seems to take off right before the big game. Then what? Then I realize that my confidence was really coming from the chatter around me and I have to look a little deeper to find the strength to actually get the job done.
Whether it is buying a house by myself or maintaining a relationship for 61 days (because every day counts, for me), some how these things have a way of working out. But like I've said before, in the back of my mind where that bit of fear lives on, I'm always on the lookout for that bus to hit me the moment I've found happiness.
I suppose failure is at least a relief from my own expectations.
(and because I know people have come to expect me to be the cheery optimist, I promise you, this is all just a moment in passing.)
1 comment:
The truth is, Eden Ahbez was right when he said, "the greatest thing you'll ever learn, is just to love and be loved in return."
Accepting that which we deserve is always a terrifying and humbling experience. The reality is, you've worked for everything you've got - had crap jobs, and kissed some frogs.
Find a quiet moment and try to integrate this thought - your life is finally rising up to meet you where you are. You put a lot of energy into living life the best way you can, and the universe is conspiring to send you the best life it can.
It does seem much easier to think that the world is crap and that it’ll always be a struggle. The reality is, as you change, the life your living changes.
So be prepared for new lessons, and new challenges. Keep in mind that whoever you believe to be in charge, is trying to throw the Jillster a bone.
“Accept what people offer. Drink their milkshakes. Take their love.” ~ Wally Lamb
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